Shabbat (the Sabbath) was, depending on whether I want to be a glass half full person or a glass half empty person, quite good or not so good. The not so good was that I didn’t get to shul (synagogue) Saturday morning, even though I really wanted to go and that I slept too much last night/this morning and again after lunch, which will probably keep me up late tonight. The quite good was that I had reasonably good concentration in shul on Friday evening and that I went to the shiurim (classes) I wanted to go on Shabbat, including the Talmud one, which I mostly followed despite having something wrong with my ear which stopped me hearing all of it. I guess that’s perhaps slightly more than half full.
One of the shiurim did make me feel a bit of an inadequate Jew again, for not davening (praying) enough/with a minyan (quorum)/with kavannah (mindfulness), for not studying Torah enough and for not being kind enough, although it was a bit of a jump from what the rabbi was saying to beating myself up about it. I don’t really know what I can do about those things right now anyway, given my mental health situation. Someone on Hevria told me that she thinks Judaism is geared up to mentally healthy and neurotypical people, which would make sense. Maybe it’s good that I’m even trying to stay frum (religious), as someone else on Hevria said to me. I try to tell myself I’m a work in progress and for all I know I might have another fifty years to grow. Or I might get hit by a bus tomorrow, but I can’t live like that. (Reminds me of a joke about a chazan (synagogue cantor) who gets into debt. His community organise an interest-free loan, to be repaid from his wages. He says, “Thank you! I can repay the loan over the next five years. And if I die before then, well, that’s just my good luck!”)