Hi! I’m still here! I haven’t written much lately because my relationship with E. continues to be great and I’m scared of tempting fate by writing about it (not that I believe in fate, but you know what I mean), but the rest of life is a struggle at times. I’m on half-term this week. It had been going OK, but not great, catching up on chores I don’t have time to do in term time and wishing I could have a proper break, but today has been difficult. I’ve been slipping further behind with my chores (I wanted to work on a short story I started writing months ago and haven’t even been able to sit down to it; likewise I haven’t done much of the Torah study I had planned), but today I found I couldn’t find one of the ingredients for a recipe E. recommended, so I can’t make it and now I have the other ingredients sitting in my fridge with me not sure what I can do with them. (If anyone knows of uses for corn flour, spring onions, feta cheese and yoghurt, I would like to hear from them. The spring onions and maybe the yoghurt are the only ones I think I could eat by themselves, although maybe I should summon up the courage to try the feta by itself.)
The rest of my shopping trip today was more successful, resulting in a new tie (a very belated Chanukah present from my parents), two new pairs of work trousers (sadly a larger size than in the past with the weight I’ve put on since being put on clomipramine), a new drainer for the kitchen and a picture frame to replace one I broke nearly three years ago and had been unable to replace (it’s an unusual shape, being nearly square). And my Mum said she really enjoyed going shopping with me as a mother-son bonding thing. So that was all positive.
What was less positive was the drive home, which took about fifty minutes, two or three times longer than it should have done. By the time I got home, I was feeling incredibly depleted from the drive home and from the shopping itself. I don’t find shopping centres as difficult as some autistic people do, but the noise, the people and perhaps also the lighting do seem to be tiring for me after a while and I spent about three hours shopping today. So it probably isn’t a surprise that I feel depleted, doubly so as I feel vaguely as if I’m coming down with a cold.
I also felt bad that E. is having a bad day, and I felt powerless to do anything practical to help her, stuck on the other side of the Atlantic. She was very good natured about it (because she’s awesome), but I felt a bit like a bad boyfriend, even though I know it’s not really my fault. It’s at times like this that I wish I could find better words, though. I know I can write about depression and Judaism and Doctor Who, but it’s hard sometimes to express how I feel, even to myself, let alone to anyone else.
I’m going to have dinner in a minute, watch some Doctor Who and write off the rest of the day. Things seem a bit better just for writing this down and putting it in perspective: I can see that the day wasn’t so bad. And whatsapping E. has cheered both of us up, I think. I just wish that I didn’t spiral so easily down into the black hole of depression, anxiety and autistic traits.