I haven’t blogged publicly for a few days, and this is really just a pause to draw breath. Some very anxiety-provoking stuff is going on and while some of it could be very good indeed, I don’t really want to talk about it, partly for magical thinking reasons (if I say it’s good, it will go wrong), partly because I don’t know what I want to say or what I should say. Also, work is really tedious at the moment, with me spending all day scanning and tagging books to help plan a site move, which is about as exciting as it sounds, interspersed with hours-long stints on the issue desk where I feel I regularly make a fool of myself in front of other people by not knowing how do my job and also get humiliated by teenagers. Those are jobs that need doing, and my boss is doing them too, but they just fuel my depression, especially as my brain is unoccupied by much of this work leaving it free to wander into all kinds of anxieties.
I came home today in a bit of a state: exhausted (despite having slept for eight hours last night, oversleeping this morning), stressed, hungry and probably a bit dehydrated, resulting in my being very depressed and anxious. I feel a bit better now and I want to get to bed, but I have various things still to do. I’m only getting through the mornings on coffee at the moment because I’m so tired. There just aren’t enough hours in the day. I’m glad it’s a bank holiday next Monday, as the flat needs a good clean, which it hasn’t had for a month and the mould is spreading in the bathroom again. Oh, and watching Doctor Who in order to research my book, I’m stuck in my least favourite period of the show (2006-2009) and I’m reading book I’m not enjoying much (Voyage by Stephen Baxter), but I don’t like leaving books half-read and I’m getting vaguely invested in the characters (at page 200 or therabouts!), so even relaxation isn’t much fun at the moment.
The sensible thing would be to do nothing (as per one of my desert island Doctor Who stories, Warriors’ Gate). I mean that seriously. OK, not literally nothing, but to keep on as I am, do the work I have to do, do the housework that needs to be done, meet the religious obligations that I can meet and let the anxiety-provoking things work themselves through in their own time, let the good ones happen (or not) and don’t do anything about the bad ones until nearer the time, when there are actually things I can do about them, because few of the anxiety-provoking things are imminent enough to do much about them yet. That’s hard, though.
Hey, it’s Lag Ba’Omer, so I can listen to music and shave again! That’s positive!