I feel very depressed today. I struggled to get up and to get to work on time. I nearly skipped davening completely, partly from lack of time, partly from anger with HaShem (God). More on that below. It’s hard to tell how much of that depression is work rather than breaking up with E. I’ve been working on the library move for the college reorganisation for more weeks than I can remember now. It’s hard to remember that my job did once consist of more intellectually-challenging things than scanning books, putting stickers on them and crating them up. Although I have been wondering lately if, even at the best of times, this job is intellectually-challenging enough for me. I might make fewer mistakes if I were more engaged, but it’s hard to know what would engage me and be within my depressive/autistic capabilities. I think I really want a job where I get to read books rather than just catalogue them. That said, I will accept a renewed contract here if it gets offered to me.
I’m going to New York in August. It was at the back of my mind during my awful summer break last year to go to New York to meet people from Hevria, but I only acted on the thought because I wanted to see E. and now that’s fallen through, but my ticket and hotel are booked so I have to go. I am still hoping to see some Hevria people (and maybe E., if she wants to), but from my lack of feedback so far, I’m not sure that anyone really wants to see me (including E.) so this could be the most miserable holiday ever. I have never travelled alone before, so I’m having nightmares about missing my plane, not finding my hotel, not finding kosher shops and restaurants, getting mugged, missing my plane home… At least they speak English in America (allegedly).
I have depression group tomorrow. I should be eager to get this (E. and work, not the holiday) off my chest, but I don’t really feel like sharing it with anyone. I don’t know if that’s frustration or anger or humiliation and shame. I blame myself, although I shouldn’t. I’m really angry with HaShem (God), not for this per se, but for never letting me be happy for more than a short period. Never letting me enjoy even my religious life. Never letting me live. I’ve never even really had simcha shel mitzvah (joy in performing the commandments) which is pretty much essential to be frum (religious) long-term. I’ve been feeling lately (even before breaking up) that I wonder how long I can stay frum. I still believe, but I’ve just run out of fuel to keep going with something that consumes so much of me and gives so little back to me. Not that I think I would have more success finding a serious relationship in the mainstream world and I know I don’t have the emotional capability to have any less formal liaison.
When I look at my life, I get so angry with HaShem. I’ve been depressed and lonely fairly consistently since my mid-to-late teens with only rare short breaks. This (young adulthood) is supposedly the happiest time of one’s life, when one has independence, but no responsibilities, so I don’t think I have much to look forward to. Certainly not to a loving marriage or even any kind of relationship. I can’t imagine anyone finding me worth marrying any more, unless by some miracle I get a lot less depressed and then rapidly scale the work ladder. I’ve just got too much going against me, in terms of autism and depression, low income, religious inadequacies and general geeky weirdness.