I’m struggling at the moment, not so much with my breakup as with the emotions it has released. The feeling that I will never find someone who can see past my considerable baggage and drawbacks (the religious inadequacies, but also my low income and professional status, lack of a full-time job, still being quite dependent on parents etc.). I had real stabs of envy recently. I won’t go into details, but I got hit with strong feelings of envy and even anger about other people’s success and settled family life. This is completely incongruous, absurd even, as other people’s happiness is not taking away from mine. I find it hard to deal with powerful destructive emotions like this. It’s probably taken me years to really admit that I have them.
The good that came out of this is that I was discussing things in the comment section of a blog I read (I’m not going to link, as I didn’t comment anonymously there – I still have some non-anonymous (nonymous?) accounts out there), but I was discussing my religious inadequacies with someone frum (religious) and, in the course of the discussion, I came to realise that a lot of my feelings of envy and anger at frum people and, even more so, my feelings that they will reject and hate me are reflections of my own fears and perceptions of my own religious inadequacies. I hate myself and I think I’m not meeting my religious obligations, so I think no one in my community could like me and certainly no woman from my community would want to marry me. It’s hard to know what to do with those feelings, though.
There’s a lot of pent-up emotion inside me at the moment. This post has only scratched the surface, partly from lack of time and partly because I don’t want to share all my dark thoughts, but also because I don’t really understand everything I feel, which makes me worry that I’m just going to explode dangerously one day, in some way that I can’t predict.