Feeling thoroughly angry and despairing. My holiday is shaping up to be the worst ever, although I may still get to see one or two Hevria people. I’ve screwed up the travel insurance, which resulted in my father treating me like I’m a moron. The two things I can’t stand are being ignored and being treated like an imbecile and I’ve had plenty of both so far with this stupid, pointless holiday. Why did I ever think (a) that I was competent to do this and (b) that E. would stay with someone as screwed up as me long enough for the trip to be worthwhile? I did seriously consider cancelling it, but I would have lost too much money and it would have felt cowardly. I’m going to have to go abroad by myself one day, so I might as well get it over with.
There’s a lot of more general anger too, against HaShem (God) for making me suffer so much with my mental health issues and against the Jewish community, which takes care of its own, but doesn’t seem to consider me its own, in terms of helping me fit in to the community, find meals for Shabbat when I’m on holiday and, of course, find a spouse.
I worry that all this anger and hatred and unjustified self-pity (i.e. I’m not really justified in pitying myself so much, because really I can’t say I don’t deserve this) is going to coalesce and I’m going to turn into some kind of antisemitic (self-hating Jew), misogynistic anti-theist. I don’t want that to happen, but I’m worried it might.
There’s a metaphor from the Midrash or the Talmud or something about a chamberlain who has the keys to the inner chamber of the royal treasury, but not to the outer door, so he can’t get to the riches inside. I can’t remember what the original context is, but I feel a bit like that. It’s no good frum (religious) people telling me that everything God does is for the best, that no suffering is unjust and that if I suffer now, I will be rewarded later, probably in the next world, because I feel I don’t have what I need right now to meet the immediate challenge (get through the out door/cope with my immediate feelings of anger, loneliness, despair, rebellion, hatred etc.) to get to the inner chamber (later reward).
Right now I feel like I just want to curl up on the bed and cry, but I have important stuff to do. Watching Doctor Who just made me feel worse (The Girl Who Waited, a reasonably good episode, but too romantic and depressing for right now – the perils of watching stuff in order. Next up is The God Complex, which probably also isn’t such a good idea right now for different reasons).