I managed to get a few chores done and cooked dinner (just rice and vegetarian sausages with tinned sweetcorn. Doesn’t really count as cooking). Other than that, I haven’t achieved anything today, except to feel depressed, despairing, lonely, anxious, incompetent, angry and Aspie, as well as a bit headachey.
I feel so incredibly furious right now. I mean, at the world in general and maybe at God, and maybe the Jewish community. I want to scream and shout and rage at the way I have done, if not everything, then at least most things that I was told to do to be liked/happy/successful and none of it has worked. It’s always, “Well done for trying, now do this” (if I get congratulated at all on what I’ve achieved). There’s always something else I have to do. I can never be happy or loved romantically, not even for a short time. How do other people get to be happy and loved and, if not rich and successful, then to pay the bills? I know everyone has issues, but I can’t help feeling that my issues have been going on longer, and are more painful and persistent, than most people’s.
The stupid thing is that I’m already calming down, because I know that life isn’t fair (not from our understanding of it, anyway; maybe from God’s point of view, in the Next World, but not here) and that no one promised me even a modicum of happiness and romantic love and really I can’t complain and, of course, deep down I know I’m mainly angry at myself for not being able to deal with my issues and for acting out and succumbing to negative coping strategies.
Back on the hamster’s wheel again tomorrow. Round and round and round and never arriving.