One of my less agreeable habits is arguing with people about how hopeless my future is. When I’m feeling depressed, I start telling people that I’m not going to recover and get a full-time job and especially that I’ll never get married (I used to do this a lot on the comments on Hevria.com). If they agree with me, then I feel doubly depressed and hopeless. If they disagree with me, then I say that they don’t understand and argue with them until they agree with me to shut me up. I’m not quite sure what I get out of this, but I must get something out of it.
A week or so ago I got involved in an argument like this on another blog. I think I may have mentioned it in a previous post. The blogger opined that there is nothing one can do to find one’s spouse. It is completely down to HaShem (God), helped along by helpful member’s of one’s community who match you up with people until you find the one HaShem has appointed for you. I responded that this may be true for most people (although I’m not sure I agree even then), but it wouldn’t work for me, because no one in my community seems to be looking out for someone for me. Most of the people in my community don’t even know me, given my semi-detached state from it.
Today I don’t feel quite so depressed or quite so hopeless. Things went a bit better at work (for one thing most of the students have finished with the library for the academic year) and I feel vaguely more hopeful and ‘normal’ than I have since E. broke up with me. This may change tomorrow, which is apparently D-Day for the renewal of my contract, but for today I feel somewhat better.
Even so, I find it hard to be really optimistic about my future. I can’t see myself getting a better-paying and full-time job, not to mention a proper, structured career, any time soon. Similarly, I can’t see myself marrying. Today I can somewhat grudgingly admit that there may be a frum (religious), geeky, woman out there who might even be able to tolerate my low income, my mental health issues and borderline autism and my consequent failure to meet my religious obligations for prayer and Torah study and my failure to go to yeshiva. And she might even live in the UK, tiny though the Anglo-Jewish population is and tinier still though the frum community is. But I find it pretty much impossible to work out how I could actually meet her.
My father obtained for me a while back the phone number of a well-known rebbetzin (rabbi’s wife) who, he was assured, would be able to help me find someone. However, these days I feel sceptical of shadchanim (matchmakers) and I worry that I shouldn’t go to her until I am financially secure and more emotionally stable, neither of which looks set to happen any time soon. I suppose if I’m depressed and lonely enough over the summer I might overcome my fear of the telephone enough to call, but I’m not sure I will and I really don’t think that shadchanim can help me. I don’t really feel that anyone can help me, unless HaShem drops someone from the sky on me via my blog or a friend or relative (more likely a friend of my parents). To be fair I have been set up on a couple of dates, but they never went very far because of my geeky interests and mental health issues. I twice met people through my blog, which is twice more than I would have expected, except neither worked out anyway despite them being better matches for me (probably because they had a better idea of who I was rather than being matched on the basis purely of gender and age and perhaps intelligence and introversion). I’m not quite sure where this leaves me, as I can’t really see lightning striking in the same place three times, although I’d love to be proved wrong.