This may be semi-incoherent, as I got to bed about 3.00am last night/this morning, having stayed up very late blogging to try to get my thoughts in order about my job without really having time to unwind and relax after a very stressful day. I got up about 11.20am when my phone rang (it was on silent, but fortunately was on my bed, so I felt it vibrate), forced myself to eat breakfast and get dressed for my Skype therapy session at noon, then quickly davened (prayed) a tiny bit and here I am now at 1.10pm, trying to stay awake and set some thoughts in order.
Therapy wasn’t that helpful in deciding what to do, as my therapist was just really reflecting my thoughts back to me. That’s helped me to clarify what I think, but not what to do, as I still have a big (if clearer) inner conflict. I really think that if I take this “new” job (the new contract at my existing job), I will be suicidal again within six months. I’ve been suicidal in the current job and I can’t see how things can be anything but worse in a job where the parts of the job I can cope with are perhaps smaller and the parts that really depress me and freak me out are certainly a lot bigger. On the other hand, if I turn down the contract I could be facing a very long period of unemployment, maybe even permanent unemployment, and dependency on my parents, who are approaching retirement. It’s very hard to hold down a job when seriously depressed. It’s hard to hold down a job when on the autistic spectrum. I don’t know how I can manage with both, without finding a very different type of job.
The other thing that occurred to me is that if my current boss stays on as my new boss (which is not certain) I will face the problem of having a boss who criticises my mistakes, but never praises me, in a job I will feel deeply insecure and in need of positive feedback about, just to get an idea of how well I’m doing. I currently struggle to work out if she hasn’t criticised me because I’m doing good work or just because she hasn’t noticed my latest mistake yet.
I’m really struggling at the moment. In the space of about two and half weeks (literally just while my sister was on holiday!) my girlfriend broke up with me and I have essentially lost my job, albeit with the possibility of a new, but problematic, replacement. It occurred to me that if things were reversed, if I lost the job completely, but had a chance of an unsatisfying relationship and I was saying, “I don’t like X and I don’t think she could ever meet my needs, or I meet her needs, and I could see myself being suicidal in six months if we were together, but I need to be paired up with someone so I’m sticking with her” everyone would say I’m crazy and shouldn’t do that, and with good reason, but with the job, it feels like people are saying, “It’s a job, you need a job, just take it and screw your mental health.”
I do feel that I would like to devote attention to my writing, but I don’t know how. I’ve had professional writers say I can write well, which has slowly permeated my low self-esteem. For years I thought ‘writing’ meant writing novels or maybe poetry, which realistically I’m never going to write seriously, but I do feel that there are other, more workaday, types of writing I could try, particularly writing non-fiction about science fiction and for children – non-fiction books and also I have some ideas for religious books for children. It is very hard to know where or how to begin, though.