Today has been a really weird day. The depression isn’t too bad today, for all that I was in tears in the library office earlier, but I’ve got so much on my mind. I was in a bad state when I drafted this post at lunchtime, but I’m glad I held off posting because things are very different now.
Career-wise, at lunch I was fairly sure I was not going to ask for my contract to be renewed. I did a list of pros and cons earlier and, while there were some big pros (like having a job), there were more cons and the cons were often weightier than the pros. I also looked at my thoughts vs. my emotions and while my thoughts were mixed, my feelings about accepting the job were clear: anxiety, panic, despair, depression and dread. I don’t know how much is the particular work environment (the college), how much is this specific type of librarianship (further education) and how much is librarianship in general, but yesterday we were doing some training with library staff from the other colleges in the consortium and the other librarians seemed to have a better grasp of both the technicalities of librarianship and the internal politics of this particular college (one of them looked a lot like David Tennant too, not that I’m envious or anything). The autism, and my dislike of gossip, probably impede me with the latter; the former is probably due to my mental health issues causing me to do my MA at a non-very-good university that was probably a waste of money considering how bad so much of the teaching was, for all that I passed the course with distinction. I don’t think I could ever be comfortable in an environment with this much interaction with ‘unusual’ students, but I fear my cataloguing skills are far too rusty for a cataloguing job, even though that was how I saw my career going. I am open to doing a cataloguing crash course if I can find one through CILIP, the librarian organisation.
Then something upsetting happened at work this morning. I’d better not go into details, but it just underlined how unhappy I am here and although that may get better with the reorganisation, it may get worse too. Just to make matters more clear, in the afternoon my boss more or less told me that I can’t do the job I’m being offered and I shouldn’t accept the contract. She didn’t quite put it like that (I guess to avoid an employment tribunal), but that was the gist of it. That being the case, I don’t know why I was offered the contract in the first place (I suspect there may be politics involved). In a way I’m pleased it ended like this, because otherwise I would always have wondered if I was giving in to depression, anxiety and low self-esteem and if I should have taken on the challenge of the new contract; now I know that no one realistically expected me to do it. And some of my colleagues said they don’t we me to go, which was nice.
I’m going to go to a careers advisor and see what they have to say about jobs involving writing or editing, preferably from home. Writing is one of the few things that invigorates me rather than depleting me, so I think I should try to get paid for doing it, even if it’s only journeyman work rather than something exciting and creative. Interacting with students definitely depletes me and I want to avoid that as much as possible.
The other major thing on my mind at lunchtime was that I last heard from E. a few days ago, but she hadn’t got back to me since and I was worried about her. I think she took the break up badly, worse than I did, even though it was her idea. I got worried about what type of state she’s in and messaged her. I was worried she wouldn’t reply, but we messaged back and forth a bit. She was upset about the breakup and blamed herself. I told her that that was unfair and that she shouldn’t punish herself. We’re both upset that things aren’t working out for us romantically for banal reasons (finances and mental health), but we’re probably not the first couple to be defeated by those things and we’ve agreed to stay in touch as friends for now. I’m still hopeful something more will come of it. The whole situation was so weird that I feel it ought to mean something. If I can get a job that suits me better and get to a better financial position, maybe we can reconsider.
The other thing that upset me today was that I think my online drama queening has upset someone I thought of as a friend. I feel very bad about that. I do feel that I have legitimate reasons for feeling isolated in the frum (religious) community and a right to be heard, but commenting on other people’s blogs, even when what they say is somewhat relevant, probably isn’t the best way of doing it. What the best way of doing it actually is, is another question.
There are a few other difficult and scary things going on in my life right now, but I won’t bore you with all the details. I guess I just need to find an aspie- and depression-friendly job/career so I can win back my aspie- and depression-friendly girlfriend. I do feel somewhat more positive now, though, knowing that E. still wants to be friends and that I did my best with my job and it just didn’t work out, and no one wants me to push myself to do the impossible, even if their reasons for not wanting me to take the new contract are not the same as mine.