Where to begin… I told my boss I didn’t want to have my contract renewed. I immediately made a social anxiety/autism blunder, as I was too scared to tell her verbally so I just emailed and she said I should have told her in person first. She seemed astonished when I told her, which surprised me a lot, as yesterday she seemed to be warning me off from taking the offer. She told me that the job description was not set in stone yet, that she may not become head of library services over the super-college, in which case someone else might change things. Nevertheless, I stuck to my decision, as I can’t see things changing again with such a short time before the next academic year and so much still to do, plus I was pretty miserable even in my current job. Still, I will wonder now if I’ve made the right decision, especially if I struggle to get a new job. I’m looking for librarianship jobs, preferably with more backroom focus, but also writing and editing jobs, not necessarily creative writing. Writing is about the only thing I do that refreshes me rather than depleting me.
Then I made my second social blunder, not telling my colleagues. I don’t really know what I was thinking, except that I didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to make a fuss. About an hour after my conversation with my boss, the head of IT services in the library, who is effectively my boss’ number two, said he heard I was leaving. So then I realised I had to tell the library assistants before they heard it second-hand too. That was hard, both finding the words and the confidence to say them. My mouth was so dry I could hardly talk! They were quite upset; one looked like he might burst into tears. I was quite touched that they were all so upset that I’m leaving, especially as I’ve only been there for fifteen months and they’ve all been around much longer. Someone said I’m talented enough that I should find a new job easily, which I hope will prove to be true. I stressed the change in job description and the commute in my reasons for leaving, rather than the mental health side of it.
The rest of the day was fairly dull. It was hard to concentrate knowing that tomorrow is my last day. I procrastinate like crazy over decisions, but once I’ve made them, I always want to put them into action immediately. Technically I’m still under contract until mid-August (as my contract lasts until the end of the academic year, even though I only worked in term-time) so I’ve got paid job hunting time! And a trip to New York. It does look likely that I’ll have to move back in with my parents, though, which is a bit of a shame, unless I can find a good job very quickly, which seems unlikely, especially as I want to explore new areas and may need some time to focus on my writing before I’m ready to submit anything.
EDIT: I forgot to say that my boss emailed me to say that my “commitment to your role, your punctuality and attendance, and your determination to not let personal difficulties get in the way of doing your job to the best of your ability are commendable”, which was really nice.