Warning: contains excessive self-loathing and self-pity which may induce vomiting. Do not drive while reading.
I felt really agitated again late last night, although I managed not to post again, although that was a struggle. Posting can be compulsive at times. I overslept again and struggled to get up. The heat still doesn’t help, but I’m so exhausted even when I wake after hours of sleep.
I’m crying again.
I feel guilty that my non-biological sisters and E. have been in touch yesterday and today and I still feel bad. It doesn’t really help when I speak to my parents either; if anything, I feel they understand me less, but I feel I’ve let them down even more, which just makes me avoid talking to them, which never works. I say I want people to be in contact, but when they do, I don’t know what to say and feel awkward and guilty for not feeling better after they message. I also feel like I’m taking advantage of E.’s feelings for me to stay in contact with her and get her to message me when I’m down when really I should let her have a clean break from me.
Also, friends and parents being in touch means I continually have to tell people that I have a plan, I have a schedule, but in reality I’m just too depressed to stick to them. I oversleep, take hours to get enough energy to get up and have breakfast, shamble around the flat like an extra in a zombie film, procrastinate (sometimes literally for hours), rush through the late afternoon trying to get stuff done, but also procrastinating, then I stay up late trying to do things and oversleep the next day. Trying to cut my losses and going to bed early doesn’t usually lead to getting up earlier the next day, though, as exhaustion is due to depression rather than activity and lack of sleep and even if I do sort out my sleep, at the moment late summer Shabbat (Sabbath) times mean Friday and Saturday are guaranteed to be late nights (very late in the case of Saturday where I don’t get back from shul (synagogue) until gone 11.00pm) and disrupt everything again.
I feel stupid and useless.
I cleaned the flat, but felt frustrated that I could only do it half-heartedly. I would feel better in a cleaner environment, but I don’t have the energy for really thorough cleaning and having a clean flat is lower down my list of priorities than job hunting or exercise (of which I have done very little lately).
The final chapter of my Doctor Who book is floundering on the fact that I can’t think of much original or interesting to say about Steven Moffat’s time on the show, particularly about Clara and about the monsters. I feel even more stupid and useless.
I had dinner with a friend. It took about an hour for me to adjust from feeling lonely/depressed/socially anxious to make reasonable conversation. I have a lot of anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure) at the moment. I’m an introvert, so it’s unsurprising that I can find conversation hard, but I can’t enjoy watching DVDs or reading. In fact, I can’t really concentrate to read properly at all (or write properly; I fear this is incoherent).
My friend is a researcher and writer so I asked him a bit about his research and writing jobs (historical and Doctor Who). He said that they have come either from his PhD work or personal contacts, which is not good news for me. I think I would go crazy and kill myself if I did a PhD and I am not involved enough in Doctor Who fandom to have contacts in it, for various reasons. Online message boards can be time-consuming and full of craziness (I was more involved in online fandom years ago, when I was too depressed to even try to find a job). I’ve been nervous about going to conventions, partly from practical religious reasons (Shabbat, kashrut), partly from social anxiety/autism reasons (crowds, strangers), partly because my experiences of fandom online makes me feel that I don’t really fit in any of the subcultures. Still, my friend said he would see if he could put my name forward for some freelance work.
As well as that, I signed up to try to get some careers advice and for some more job alert emails from different agencies.
I feel as if I have let everyone down and I’m not even entirely sure how. I’m avoiding my parents and my sister because I don’t know what to say to them. E. and my non-biological sisters keep messaging and I feel that I’m not doing what they think I should be doing. I feel so useless, professionally, personally and religiously. I don’t feel that I’m the answer to anyone’s question, again professionally, personally and religiously. I just want to cry.
Some depressed and/or unemployed people work with children or animals. I like children (young children, not the teenagers I used to work with), but I’m nervous of working with them and they can set off my OCD. I’m a bit scared of animals. My family are pretty anti-pets. I vaguely floated the idea of getting a cat when I move back with my parents only to have it shot down pretty quickly. Plus they say I’ll just feel worse when it dies, which is probably true, although that seems like the kind of frightened running away they are always telling me not to do.
I sometimes wonder if I seem too functional for my own good. I’ve met people online and then in person and I always warn them I’m not so functional in person as I am online, but they usually say I’m fine, just quiet. I wonder if I come across as more functional than I actually am. If I was just lying in bed all day feeling awful maybe people wouldn’t expect so much of me. But I would still expect things of myself. So, I get up every day, even when I don’t feel like it.
In the second Sapphire and Steel story, a malevolent entity, The Darkness, is feeding off the resentment of ghosts whose lives were wrongly cut short. In the end, Steel rather ruthlessly deals with it by letting it consume innocent ghost-hunter Tully years before his time (this in a children’s programme!). I feel that The Darkness would have a lot of resentment to feed on from me. I feel I’ve lost fifteen or twenty years of my life and seem destined to lose the rest and I don’t know what to do about it.