I don’t have the words to describe what I feel. Am I dissociating? First I was googling ex-crushes and university peers, feeling angry in an inchoate way for things that really weren’t their fault, blaming them for how I feel. Then doing the thing I do that I don’t have words for where I focus on a phrase or image, usually from fiction (nine times out of ten Doctor Who, which is where it is now) and play it over and over in my head, even putting myself into it as a vivid daydream.
This is where I am now:
The Master: It nearly beat me. Such a simple, brutal power. Just the power of tooth and claw. It nearly destroyed me, a Time Lord. But I won. I control that force, Doctor. And now, at last, I have the power to destroy you.
(Doctor Who: Survival by Rona Munro)
Over and over. And snarling silently. And hurting myself a bit and wanting to die, or to just explode, to act somehow, to do something to relieve this tension and agitation.