I felt down on waking again today.  I really struggle in the heat, which leaves me feeling exhausted.  Welcome to global warming (the winter brings its own challenges, though, with depressing short days and little sunlight.  Spring is probably the best time of year for me).  The last few days I have overslept and procrastinated, then gone to bed very late trying to cram stuff in, without managing everything I wanted to do.  I spend what I see of the morning feeling lethargic and exhausted and wanting to go back to bed.  I am chuffed that yesterday’s post got twelve likes, which I think is a record for me, although I know other people regularly get far more than this.

Once I got going, things were a bit better.  I had to have another blood test.  I need blood tests every three months because I’m on lithium tablets, but when I went a week or two ago, they messed it up somehow and didn’t take enough blood (I don’t know if they missed the vein, although they tried on both arms).  So that got me out of the house and in the sunshine as I walked back from the hospital (about a thirty-five minute walk).

I joined another job site, this time one for part-time work.  It didn’t have ‘librarianship’ as a work category, which isn’t too surprising, but it didn’t have anything like ‘information management’ either.  I had to put myself down as working in ‘education’ and ‘research’ which aren’t quite right.  Not sure how many relevant results I’m going to get here.

I am worried about getting a job.  I would say ‘career’ except I think I just destroyed that (what little I had of it).  There aren’t many librarianship jobs around, those that are around are not at my level of qualification and experience and/or require a lot more interpersonal interactions than I feel comfortable with, or think I can manage (bearing in mind my ex-boss more or less told me outright that I’m not good with that side of things).  All the non-librarian jobs I’m looking at seem to presume experience of working in that area, which I obviously don’t have.  I’m beginning to suspect that writing and editing are jobs you fall into by accident, by knowing people who need someone for a job and think you can do it.  I don’t know anyone.

I just spent the last hour and a half or more setting up a new blog.  I won’t link to it, as it’s not anonymous, but it’s a Doctor Who and science fiction blog, intended to showcase my writing ability.  I decided it was worth paying for a domain name without ‘wordpress’ in it and for a site without adverts, as this is supposed to be a career-advancing site.  I’m quite excited about it.

I bought myself a birthday present.  When I was in my teens, my friends got obsessed with fantasy wargaming and I had to join in just to be able to talk to them (they didn’t talk about much else – it was probably around this time that the depression and certainly the loneliness began to kick in).  I didn’t enjoy playing the game very much, but I was good at painting the miniatures.  I drifted away from it as I got older and drifted away from my friends, but when we moved house three years ago, I found my paints and some unpainted miniatures and got back in to it.  It’s quite good to do while depressed, because it uses a different part of my brain and provides distraction from my thoughts.  Recently, a different company has brought out a Doctor Who wargame.  To be honest, the Doctor Who miniatures they’ve brought out so far don’t look that interesting to paint.  Most Doctor Who monsters are one colour, usually black or green.  But I noticed they had a deal: buy the first, fourth, fifth, tenth, eleventh and twelfth Doctors together and get a free K9.  The Doctor has crazy dress sense, which means that the miniatures are more interesting to paint.  So I treated myself to the set.  It arrived today and I’m looking forward to getting started painting.

I went to The Open Air Theatre in Regents Park with my Mum to see As You Like It.  We try to go to The Open Air Theatre every year as a mother-son thing, although there isn’t always something on we want to see.  I think it’s only been rained off once when we’ve gone.  As You Like It was very funny.  I was glad that I followed it as I hadn’t had time/energy/headspace to read it beforehand.  I was a bit melancholy at all the happy-ever-after marriages at the end (I’m not sure if you can spoiler something four hundred years old, but I don’t think it’s a great spoiler to say that there are weddings at the end of a Shakespearean comedy), thinking about myself and E.  Wishing we could just run off to the country and not have to worry about money and mental health.  I still think I will never find someone who can accept and support me as much as she did (and still does, even though we’re not dating any more).  I suppose there is still the chance that it will work out one day, but I can’t see how.

And now tonight we are going into Tu B’Av, a minor Jewish festival.  It’s not really celebrated now, but in ancient times it was a time when single Jewish women would go into the fields and dance and try to attract a husband, so it’s sort of become the frum (religious) Valentine’s Day in recent years.  So, again, I feel a bit wistful about me and E., but I don’t feel too bad, whereas a week ago I would probably have been inconsolable, so that’s an improvement.  I’m still sceptical about my ability to find a job (and a wife), but I’m feeling less depressed than I was a few days ago, certainly not having suicidal thoughts, so that’s good.  I know it won’t last forever, but I hope it lasts a while.  Through my holiday, at any rate.

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2 thoughts on “Tragical-Comical-Historical-Pastoral

  1. Lovely life update darling! Sorry you’ve been having a difficult time – if you ever need to talk you’re welcome to contact me on my Twitter or Instagram (both @lunarchar_). I’m desperate to go to the Open Air Theatre – it’s something on my bucket list so I’m glad you enjoyed it. And I hope you enjoy the Jewish Festival tonight. Love and light to you. Char // https://lunarchar.com/ xx

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