I’ve just stopped.  My brain has just shut down.  I can’t apply for jobs.  I try thinking about PhD ideas, but nothing comes, or nothing substantial enough.  I have vague ideas about writing something on television science fiction or the novels Philip K. Dick or antisemitism and the way it tries, often successfully, to dictate the terms on which Jewish identity is founded… but I can’t get anything right and I don’t really want to do a thesis using identity politics (which I find politically problematic) or antisemitism (interesting and worthwhile, but really depressing and triggering), even though it is tempting to learn identity politics antisemites’ tricks to use them against them ( a Jewdo throw?).

I’ve just… stopped.  I can’t actually do anything.  I don’t know what to do with my life.  Lately I’ve been prone not just to sleeping late, but to dozing off during the day.  I put it down to jet lag initially, but now I’m not sure.  It’s like my brain is just switching off and not cooperating any more.  I have ideas for things, but then the depression sets in and I can’t follow through.  I worry that people are growing tired with me.  It’s hard to convince people how bad I feel sometimes.  I wish I could just follow through on something.  I guess I’ve nearly finished the second draft of the Doctor Who book I’m working on, but I dismiss that and say the other books I want to write that I’ve thought of since would be better if I could work on them instead, but I’m too depressed and I want to work on one thing at a time.

I’ve made a couple of attempts at getting an appointment with my doctor today, but it’s difficult.  I was told either to wait four weeks or to phone on Monday afternoon to try to get a 48-hour appointment for Thursday (which is actually over 48 hours after Monday afternoon, but I’ll let that go for now).  The surgery seems to deliberately make it hard for people to make an appointment, possibly in the hope that patients will naturally recover or drop dead before getting to the appointment; either way they don’t have to worry about numbers on the waiting list.  It’s pretty much impossible to get an appointment for a non-emergency, non-routine matter i.e. something urgent enough that I want to be seen in the next week, but not urgent enough to require hospitalisation.  I feel I need to be seen as I can barely function and want to discuss if I can be referred back to a psychiatrist, but who knows what the NHS bureaucracy will think?

In other bureaucracy news, I’m chasing a non-trivial sum of money my shul (synagogue) owes me (they changed the way they charge membership fees, which meant I paid twice) that should have been paid back to me about six months ago.  I don’t really have the energy to do this kind of thing.

I applied for a job as a proof-reader at a cosmetics internet start up.  I almost certainly won’t get past the first hurdle, as they specified that they wanted someone with three years of work experience proof-reading, but I tried on a day when I didn’t feel that I could do anything.  I also revised my CV and cover letter templates in line with advice from the careers advisor I saw on Tuesday.  So I guess I’ve achieved something today,  however small.

2 thoughts on “Stopped

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