Shabbat (the Sabbath) was pretty awful. I spent most of it asleep. When I wasn’t asleep, I was lost in agitated thought, mostly about death. I spent a long time last night lying on my bed after dinner, wanting to die. I was thinking obsessively about the Talmud, where it lists seven people who have no share in Olam HaBa (the World to Come i.e. Heaven), but later says that some interpret that six of them (the six Jewish ones) will have a share in Olam HaBa. This became hugely important to me. I suppose I was thinking that if Yerovo’am, Achav and the rest have a share in Olam HaBa, then I would too, although my reasoning doesn’t strike myself as hugely convincing today. I don’t really feel that HaShem (God) could love me.
At times like this I get lost in my thoughts and drift away from the world. I guess it feeds my tendency towards solipsism. The stuff going on in my head feels a lot more real than stuff in the external world, which can’t be healthy. That’s probably always been my problem, but particularly when things are bad. It’s hard to remember that other people exist and that some of them care about me, because I just get caught in the labyrinth that is my thoughts, my books and my DVDs. I’m really worried about starting my new job this week, because I have no idea how I’m going to give the right level of attention to it. I guess when my mind is screaming “I want to die, I want to kill myself” the whole time, I end up focusing on that to survive. My thoughts seem really loud sometimes. Like they drown out everything else. I don’t think other people can hear them, but somehow it wouldn’t surprise me if someone said that they could hear them.
The book I ordered on C-PTSD arrived, which was very quick. I wanted to read the stuff in it on self-love. I’m not sure when I’m going to get to read it, though. I usually read on the train to/from work or on lunch, but I’m not sure I really want to be seen reading this in public. Then again, I don’t really want my parents to see me reading it at home either. It still feels wrong to even think that I might possibly have C-PTSD, as if I’m attacking my parents or laying claim to an illness that I have no right to (as with autism – I still wonder if I’m seizing that unfairly too).