It’s a bit silly to post again today, but I want to get this down before I forget, as it’s a sudden realisation I just had and as it’s not very long it’s probably OK.  And maybe this is something to sneak out when people aren’t looking anyway.

When the depression is bad, I act out sometimes.  Nothing illegal or anything that hurts anyone, but something that the person I want to be would not do.  Imagine I responded to the depression by eating ice cream.  Then, imagine a limit in my ice cream eating that I have never gone beyond: say, eating a whole tub of Ben and Jerry’s in one sitting.  Then imagine that I console myself when very depressed saying, if it gets very bad, at least I could eat a whole tub of Ben and Jerry’s in one go, because I’ve never done that, but I know it’s there, as a concept.  And then I realise that, regardless of the healthiness (or otherwise) of eating a whole tub of Ben and Jerry’s in one go, I will never do it.  I will never go through with it, no matter how depressed I am.  I just can’t cross that line.  Which should feel good, but instead I just feel envy for all those people who do eat a whole tub of ice cream when depressed.  They as miserable as I am, but at least they get to enjoy that ice cream that I never will.

It’s the same with suicide.  Suicidality can be calming (not always, but sometimes), because I can think that I have a way out if things get unbearable.  But now I think I’ll never have the guts (or whatever) to go through with suicide.  So I envy… not people who have committed suicide, but I do wish that I was dead.  I want to be out of the world, and deep down I think I know that I could never bring myself to hasten that (not even by eating whole tubs of ice cream).  So I feel trapped.

I don’t know how to get out of this, how to find a way to feel glad for not eating the ice cream, even to feel glad for being alive.  I’m not sure that I’ve ever really felt glad for being alive.  I either took it for granted or I felt that I wanted to die.

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4 thoughts on “Acting Out, Suicide and Uncrossed Lines

  1. I’ve had suicidality since puberty. It’s embarrassing as I’ve talked with others about it to the point that they think I’m crying wolf and pretty much dismiss it. Maybe it is soothing, like you say. I never thought about it that way. I do find dark music and poetry to be soothing when I’m very depressed. It sort of echoes the way I feel. It says that someone else understands enough about how I’m feeling to have expressed their pain in a creative way.

    I think the goal to strive for is always to be glad for being alive. Do you take medication? I hope so. They’ve helped me at times.

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  2. I worry about people thinking I’m crying wolf too. I don’t like dark music when depressed, though. I’ve stopped reading poetry since the last episode of depression (or was it the one before?) as it was too much effort and I haven’t been well enough for long enough to get back into it.

    Yes, I’m on a lot of medication, and have been on various combinations over the years, but it doesn’t do a lot for me. But it must do something, as periodically the psychiatrists try to take me off it and I get even worse.

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  3. You know that thing about being happy for being alive is ….. i mean i have given a strong thought to writing about it. It is very tricky and complex, because i only felt that for a very short while after i have gone through a major transition in my life … i mean i felt happy when i was alone (and not with a girl since only then i was able to experience bliss) which was impossible if you asked the dreamy me. so at least i can say i felt it for a very very short instant. Then came the unwelcomed phases of wanting a way out. I was like how come after the transformation of major parts of my self there is still this will to leave. Long story short, i have great resistance when it comes to preaching happiness or a feeling of joy only because a person exists

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