It’s a bit silly to post again today, but I want to get this down before I forget, as it’s a sudden realisation I just had and as it’s not very long it’s probably OK. And maybe this is something to sneak out when people aren’t looking anyway.
When the depression is bad, I act out sometimes. Nothing illegal or anything that hurts anyone, but something that the person I want to be would not do. Imagine I responded to the depression by eating ice cream. Then, imagine a limit in my ice cream eating that I have never gone beyond: say, eating a whole tub of Ben and Jerry’s in one sitting. Then imagine that I console myself when very depressed saying, if it gets very bad, at least I could eat a whole tub of Ben and Jerry’s in one go, because I’ve never done that, but I know it’s there, as a concept. And then I realise that, regardless of the healthiness (or otherwise) of eating a whole tub of Ben and Jerry’s in one go, I will never do it. I will never go through with it, no matter how depressed I am. I just can’t cross that line. Which should feel good, but instead I just feel envy for all those people who do eat a whole tub of ice cream when depressed. They as miserable as I am, but at least they get to enjoy that ice cream that I never will.
It’s the same with suicide. Suicidality can be calming (not always, but sometimes), because I can think that I have a way out if things get unbearable. But now I think I’ll never have the guts (or whatever) to go through with suicide. So I envy… not people who have committed suicide, but I do wish that I was dead. I want to be out of the world, and deep down I think I know that I could never bring myself to hasten that (not even by eating whole tubs of ice cream). So I feel trapped.
I don’t know how to get out of this, how to find a way to feel glad for not eating the ice cream, even to feel glad for being alive. I’m not sure that I’ve ever really felt glad for being alive. I either took it for granted or I felt that I wanted to die.