I am still alive. I know it’s three days since I posted, which is an eternity for me. To be honest, I might not be posting regularly for a while, because my new job and the upcoming Jewish festivals are going to take up most of my time for the next month, especially as I don’t dare to blog at work after what happened at my old job, doubly so as this is an open-plan office and I don’t want people reading over my shoulder.
The new job is going OK. It involves checking lists of data are correct by googling the people on the list and comparing what is written there. I’m basically being paid to Google-stalk and LinkedIn-stalk people (not Facebook-stalk as this is all business addresses). It’s boring, but diverting in a way. There is an element of “quest” about trying to find the data and I like the fact that I get to put my research skills to some use (knowing how to do a Google site search is finally useful).
Mood-wise, I’m OK for a bit and think I’m getting settled, but then I suddenly get hit by a wave of anxiety. I worry that I’m going too slowly at work and am going to get in trouble for not working fast enough (my previous boss told me off for this), so I speed up my work, but then I make sloppy mistakes and worry I’ll get in trouble for that. I guess I’m still learning the ropes, but I feel bad about the mistakes my boss caught and worry that I will keep making them. I haven’t got so much depression at the moment, but I’m dreading what Yom Tov (Jewish festivals) will do. Fortunately I managed to keep my religious OCD in check, as I was worried it would get worse again now I’m back to living with my parents.
And that’s it really. My life is mostly work and anxiety about Yom Tov. I finished watching Doctor Who for the book I’m writing. I’ve still got a couple of pages of notes that I haven’t had time to write up yet, but the second draft is basically done… but I need to a draft 2.5 to a few chapters because my idea of the book and the ‘evidence’ I needed changed partway through, so I need to rewatch all of 1960s Doctor Who again, plus the 2017 season because I didn’t think I picked up everything I could. But I’m pausing that re-viewing for a while as I need a break.
I’m reading a book on complex PTSD, but it’s confusing me as to whether I have it or not, especially as I wasn’t abused, and although I did have a traumatic childhood in some ways, I don’t always feel that it was bad enough to ‘deserve’ PTSD. I fear another autism-type ambiguous situation. Plus the book has a lot of hippy-drippy stuff about reparenting yourself and talking to your inner child. I don’t really respond well to that sort of thing. It’s also all written in the third-person feminine (‘she’) and I know that’s just a stylistic thing, but somewhere in my unconscious it reinforces the feeling that I don’t ‘deserve’ PTSD, that boys shouldn’t be traumatised or, worse, boys are all abusers and get no sympathy.
The next month, for me and for most religious Jews, is going to be a mixture of spending hours in shul (synagogue) introspecting and praying; eating too much; fasting too much; spending (too much?) time with family and friends; doing weird Jewey things like throwing our sins in the river, sitting in a hut in the garden eating in autumn and waving branches around; and getting drunk and dancing (er, not all these things all at once. Different things on different festivals). And then cramming work in to the days that aren’t festival days, when we’re allowed to work, to make up for all the time off. Some of this stuff I find hard even at the best of times and with depression and social anxiety it gets ten times harder. I’m going to try not to be too hard on myself and just do what I can, but it’s going to be a challenge. I’ll try to check back in periodically, but don’t worry if you don’t hear from me for a bit.
And in case I don’t get the chance to write before Sunday evening, shana tova u’metuka/have a good and sweet new year!