Today was a struggle at work. The usual story: do I go slowly to be thorough, but not get enough done or speed up and make mistakes, but process more? I’ve probably been going too fast, or maybe I’m just not used to the work yet. And at any rate, I’ve been making mistakes, but also feeling that I’m too slowly. My boss has sent work back to me to be repeated, but hasn’t commented on speed, so I should probably slow down a bit. It frustrates me that I can mess up such a superficially easy task. I don’t know how much of that is laziness, depression, anxiety or boredom.
I went to autism group in the evening instead of shiur (religious class) and also instead of an early night. This might have been another mistake, given how tired I was this morning and how drained I was feeling even before socialising at autism group drained me some more. I feel a bit of an impostor at autism group. There are other self-diagnosed people there, but as far as I know, I’m the only one to have been told alternately that I both am and am not on the spectrum. I just feel a mess there, as most of the other people seem more socially able. Someone there said I shouldn’t compare myself with other people. I know this, but it proves impossible not to, and the comparison is always negative. I’ve noticed that quite a few people at autism group work in computing, specifically software programming. I don’t know of a humanities-style equivalent, although cataloguing might be it. Pity I could never find a pure cataloguing job with the right hours and salary, or anything near it.
I just feel like the whole time my mind is a hurricane of depression, loneliness, anxiety, self-hatred, agitation and despair. Sometimes also suicidal thoughts, anger, bitterness and lust, although the latter is probably just a form of loneliness (actually, the anger and bitterness are probably loneliness half the time too). Different elements dominate at different times, but one of them is usually there. However, finding the right diagnosis (treatment-resistant depression/social anxiety/autism/C-PTSD/all of the above/none of the above) is like nailing the proverbial jelly to the wall. I hope to see a psychiatrist soon and I will try to ask about reassessment.