It’s nearly Shabbat, but I wanted to blog quickly.
Work is difficult. The noise of the open plan office (not good for autism), the boring nature of the task and the uninspiring field make it hard to concentrate. I’m working faster, but with less thought. The processes have become automatic; every so often I ‘wake up’ with a start and hope I’m doing the right things by rote. I’m still very worried that I’m making mistakes and think that if I get told off less, I must be disguising the mistakes better, or just eliminating the really obvious ones and leaving others buried. I still feel like I’m learning the ropes after a month (admittedly a month disrupted by Yom Tov (Jewish festivals)).
Being bored leaves headspace for depression. I felt depressed, self-critical and self-loathing today. Also fantasies of self-harm, fantasies because I’m too scared to actually hurt myself. Perhaps it was good that I even noticed and labelled these depressive and self-critical thoughts as thoughts rather than accepting them as givens.
At 2pm, in the toilets, I just froze. I wanted to cry, but couldn’t. I felt useless, not good at this job, not good at any job. I wasn’t sure I would be able to cope with shul (synagogue) tonight. It took me five or ten minutes to get myself together enough to go back to my desk.
On the way home I was overwhelmed by sadness. Why am I so lonely? Why can’t I function normally in the world the way other people can?