I feel washed out today. I got up at 10.30am, which is early for me on a Sunday, but I just feel depressed, lethargic and unable to motivate myself. The last month has been very stressful and I desperately need some downtime, but I have a long to do list today, most importantly applying for a job. I should probably have lunch and drink coffee to get myself through the afternoon.
I still feel lonely, but I don’t have the confidence to do anything about it. I mean confidence that someone could like me, and that I could find her, rather than confidence to talk to people, although I lack that too. My rabbi mentor said that this time last year I felt I would never find anyone who was into me and then I met E., which rather misses the point that (a) E. isn’t frum (I still struggle to imagine anyone frum being into me) and (b) even E. couldn’t cope with my mental health issues in the end and broke up with me (I can’t imagine anyone coping with them).
I just want to be a good Jew. It’s very hard, though. Sometimes I feel that I “should” be an atheist. I mean that atheism would fit my personality and life-style a lot better than frumkeit (being a religious Jew). A lot of the people I know/have known through Doctor Who fandom are atheist or agnostic; the people I’ve had most success with romantically have been non-religious or going that way; sometimes I have doubts and even when I don’t have doubts about the existence of God, I can’t believe that He loves me. My depression, social anxiety, possible autism and possible complex trauma place a huge added burden on my religiosity in different ways. If I wasn’t frum, I might think of myself as a good person or at least a better person; the things I do that really upset me are not considered so bad in the secular world. And so on. But deep down, I really believe, and I have reasons to believe that make sense to me. And if I believe, I want to be frum. I hope at least my desire to be frum counts for something, even if I can’t realise it.
Sometimes militant atheists say religious people are focused on an illusory ‘next world’ whereas they (atheists) are living in the here and now. I don’t know how much that applies to Jews. Judaism downplays the afterlife a lot. We believe in it, but it’s not our focus, and “Do it because you’ll be rewarded in Olam HaBa (the Next World)” is an argument I associate more with less-educated people than with rabbis or professional educators, who tend to speak about fulfilling God’s will for its own sake or tikkun olam (making this world better) or the inherent beauty of Jewish life. I do honestly and genuinely believe that an Orthodox Jewish life, for all its difficulties, its hardships and its occasional apparent illogicalities, is a beautiful way to live, the most beautiful I have ever come across. The problem is that my mental health issues and possible autism make it so hard for me to live it.
I guess I really just want someone to hold me and say they love me. It doesn’t matter so much if that’s God (not that God can literally hold me, but you get the idea) or a wife. I guess my parents hug me and say they love me, but that’s not always easy to hear because of my childhood.
It feels like the only thing in my life at the moment is work, and I don’t do that well or enjoy it. I haven’t had much time to work on my Doctor Who book or blog lately or to paint the Doctor Who miniatures I bought a while back or to run or to cook. I guess that’s Tishrei. And now I’m working my way through all the stuff I should have done over the last month and couldn’t because of Yom Tov (Jewish festivals).
I feel that even my blog posts are repetitive, going over the same ground again and again. I’m not sure whether anyone’s still reading. Part of me is hoping I don’t get the job I’m about to apply for, so that when my contract finishes in seven weeks I can have a break. A proper break, not Yom Tov (non-Jews/non-religious Jews tend not to realise that Jewish festivals are as much stressful as relaxing).
I glanced at the news. The world is still continuing in its insanity. I think I should leave it alone until it grows up and decides to behave like an adult. It’s hard to avoid it, though. Sometimes I want to be a hermit.