Work is still hard.  It’s very depleting.  I don’t know if it’s the noisy, open plan nature of the office (worse today with a demo of striking Uber drivers outside – their UK headquarters is apparently in the next office block), the fact that I push myself without taking breaks as I would like and probably need, or the boring and repetitive nature of the task, but I struggle with exhaustion the whole time and on through the evening.  I take frequent drink breaks and toilet breaks (the toilet is at least quiet and sometimes I stay there a minute or two longer than I strictly need), but I still get badly depleted by the end of the day.

I went to bed later than I wanted to last night, but I was feeling really tense and felt I had to watch some Doctor Who to relax or I would not sleep.  I still had an anxiety dream, partly about religious OCD-type stuff, partly about the woman I dated two summers ago.  We broke up on good terms (she tried to set me up with someone else a few months later), but she couldn’t cope with my social anxiety (although that was not the only reason we weren’t suited) and the dream made me somewhat anxious and ruminative about dating, especially as there were other anxiety-provoking elements (the OCD imagery and thinking someone was about to attack me in the dream).  I woke up early, but a bit tense and unable to get back to sleep, although it was almost time to wake up anyway.

The dream was probably in part because my Dad wants to talk to a Modern Orthodox rabbi he knows about getting me set up on dates with Modern Orthodox women (a better bet than the more Haredi/ultra-Orthodox women I suspect I would be set up with if I followed the advice of people from my shul), but I’m not sure I can see the point right now.  It seems logical to wait until I’ve had a psychiatric review and some CBT for my low self-esteem and social anxiety.  Part of me can’t see the point of dating at all, because I always end up alone and miserable.  The OCD elements in the dream, which I don’t really remember in detail now, were probably because I’m struggling with my religious OCD in eating at work.  I’ve mostly kept it under control, but I can see how easily I could spiral back down.  The negative side-effect is that I’m the only person on the team who never offers to make tea or coffee for the other team members; I feel bad about it, but I would never cope with handling the non-kosher mugs.  I can’t explain this to them, though.

Part of the reason for the depletion at work is the autism and social anxiety.  So much of the time I feel like a small child trapped in a world he doesn’t understand and can’t cope with.  I feel that my autism has gone undiagnosed because I have learnt coping strategies and workarounds that make me look neurotypical to outsiders, but deep down I struggle to learn and remember what truly neurotypical people intuit automatically.  I feel I have a vast algorithm in my head about how to interact with other people that I have to consult for almost every interpersonal interaction.  Doubtless it started as a simple flow diagram when I was a baby (“Is someone cooing over me? –> Yes –> smile at them”), but with every new situation I find myself in, new branches of questions and answers have been welded on until it takes far too long to navigate a way through it and find quick answers, leaving me unsure what to say or do far too much.  I feel it was only through being in safe, familiar environments (school, academia or at home depressed) that I survived up until now; now in a work environment, I am just not coping.  It was the same in my previous job, so it’s not just this job that is the issue.

***

I’ve been struggling to do my hitbodedut for some time now.  Hitbodedut is considered a form of Jewish meditation, although it’s more like prayer: talking to God spontaneously in the vernacular (not set prayers in Hebrew).  On Friday  nights (Shabbat), perhaps when I’m more relaxed, I sometimes get overwhelmed with thoughts and just lie on my bed crying.  On other nights I just can’t think of anything to say at all.  I just sit there and my mind wanders to other things.  Sometimes I can’t face it at all and just skip it, despite feeling it really helped with the depression in earlier years.  Sometimes I feel angry with God, which is OK in Judaism, but I can’t express it and feel guilty despite knowing it’s OK.  To be honest, all prayer and Torah study is hard, bordering on impossible at the moment, but hitbodedut is hardest, whether because it’s not obligatory or because it brings me face to face with my deepest thoughts and fears.

***

I’m re-reading Philip K. Dick’s VALIS books (Radio Free Albemuth, VALISThe Divine Invasion and The Transmigration of Timothy Archer).  It probably wasn’t a sensible idea.  In 1974 Dick, who was probably pretty unstable already (he thought God had given him the answers to a high school exam and by this stage had drug issues) had what was probably a psychotic episode, but which he interpreted as communication from a gnostic saviour deity.  Except when he thought it was a message from aliens.  Or that he was inadvertently eavesdropping on a Soviet experiment in telepathy.  One of them, anyway, if not all three.  He spent the rest of his life trying to work through and understand what happened to him, both in his “non-fictional” Exegesis and in his final novels.

The novels are related more by theme than by plot.  I’m currently re-reading Valis, which in many ways is the craziest of all of them (Dick is two characters/narrators in the novel, the sane Philip Dick and the unstable Horselover Fat (Horselover = Philip in Greek, Fat = Dick in German).  There’s an amazing evocation of what it feels like to realise that you are losing your sanity and how the twisted ‘logic’ of mental illness works which is both moving and funny and perhaps helps me to understand myself, but to get there you have to read through pages of insane theology about occluded gods and saviours and living knowledge and the Black Iron Prison.  Reading it, I wonder if this is how I sound to my blog readers.  I don’t mean about my religious beliefs, but my self-perception and what I write about my mental health issues and experiences.  When I say, completely honestly, that I think that I will never get married, that I feel that I am very wicked and that God hates me and that, no matter how much good I do and how much evil I avoid, I won’t have any Olam HaBa (Heaven) and how this world feels more like Gehennom (Hell/Purgatory) than Olam HaZeh (the physical world), when I say all that, do people just switch off or even laugh, as people might at Dick/Fat’s Exegesis?  It’s a scary thought.  I know my parents just switch off when I say I’m never going to find someone to love me, because they don’t think it’s true, and someone whose blog I read told me not to predict what God is going to do by assuming I will be single forever.  It’s frustrating when what seems obviously true to me is unintelligible to everyone else and as a result they see me as funny or stupid when I really feel despairing and lonely and in need of empathy.

The other thought I have is to wonder whether this blog is my Exegesis.  I certainly invest a lot of time in it the way Dick invested a lot of time in his Exegesis.  I haven’t read the actual Exegesis, only the extracts in VALIS, and I don’t really want to read it for several reasons, but the published version is nearly a thousand pages and apparently that only represents about a tenth of what Dick wrote.  I don’t know how many pages I’ve blogged over the years, at the four blogs I have, at different times, had (not all were mental health blogs, though).  But it must be a significant amount, given that most of my posts are a thousand words or more.  It’s a horrible image, in a way, writing and writing and writing from early in the morning until late into the night (on days when I’m not at work, I often start a blog post in the morning and add to it throughout the day before posting in the evening; this post was started just before 6.00am, but that was the result of unusual circumstances (waking up from a disturbing dream)).  So much cogitation, so little concrete growth or recovery to show for it!  I suppose I do understand myself a lot better than I did twelve years ago, when I started blogging, but I don’t know how much of that is from blogging and how much from therapy (and growing up).  It’s a disturbing thought, anyway.

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7 thoughts on “The K is for Kindred

  1. What do I think when I read your blog entries and you say the negative things about yourself? I think you are deeply depressed and suffering from undiagnosed autism. I think you need medication and therapy asap. I think it could absolutely transform your life. The mental illness is really damaging your quality of life. But when I read your negative blog entries, I never see it as a negative reflection on you as a person. I just see your illness and your potential.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for commenting. I should say that I’m on medication, but it isn’t doing much. I’ve been on loads of medications and combinations of medications over the years, but most of them don’t work and none of them really work for more than a few months. As you know, I want to see a psychiatrist about further medication options, but I’m stuck in NHS bureaucracy.

      Regarding therapy, I saw a therapist for six years. I’ve stopped because I want to try some CBT for my self-esteem, which my therapist doesn’t offer, but I have the option of returning to her in the future if I want. I just sent an email to try to find out about CBT options locally.

      Just curious: you’ve mentioned about autism a couple of times and I was wondering what makes it come across so clearly to you in my writing? I’ve been assessed for it twice and both times told that I have a lot of symptoms, but not enough in the right categories to be diagnosed and I was wondering what makes it so clear to you, in case I try for a third assessment.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ugh, I just now realize I haven’t been seeing the replies to comments unless I use the wordpress route. I thought they would notify me by email. Anyway, I’m going back through comments to see what I missed. Bear with me.

        It’s too bad the waiting list is so long. Okay, I’m no doctor, but I have a medical background, so take this with a grain of sand:

        –Your intense dislike of being touched: This is common with autism.
        –Your frequent references to Dr. Who. I know it could just be a hobby, something you really enjoy. However, I think sometimes fixations can be a trait of autism.
        –Your intense concentration and analyzing of things that you have your mind on. There’s Dr. Who again, but also your mental health. I’m wondering how often you are involved in something and lose all track of time.

        These are the things that stand out to me.

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        1. You have to tick a box at the bottom to get email notification. Although mine stopped working last year and I can’t work out why.

          Those are things that stand out to me too, although the doctors didn’t really agree. I think maybe I didn’t stress the extent of my Doctor Who obsession. I was asked about merchandise I own, but I think I should have said, “I can name every story in order of the last 53 years, plus most of the writers, directors, producers and script editors. And I didn’t even consciously try to learn most of this stuff, I just picked it up by osmosis through spending so long reading and writing about it.”

          Yeah, I get involved in my thoughts and lose track of time, or even the outside world. My thoughts seem very ‘loud’ sometimes, if that makes sense. Sometimes I focus so much on what I’m thinking that my sight and hearing get turned down, so to speak.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. What you write does not come across as stupid or funny to me. I guess the reason behind it is that i relate to many things you write about. May be a result of projecting my own image on the interpretation of your words. I can relate since i most of my life i was a believer, even though i am transitioning to agnosticism i can still relate to the pressure you feel when you evaluate yourself. When i think about it i must confess that others may see us as stupid but again the idea is compelling to me, that somehow i off the rails. Thank you for sharing, what you are writing about gives a wider perspective to similar minds

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      1. Your blog is a mine gold. I think it is dangerous to stay inside our heads and thinking we are the only ones, it can drive us crazy. I often browse blogs and i am always amazed by the inner Jewish experience. i still suspect that i have some of your blood in me. I am basing my doubts on my physical appearance and also the history of some Jewish tribes in my family roots’s neighborhood. Emm i am still thinking about it, whenever i find something very introspective and allow me also very emotional i find a Jewish master mind behind it. I am still questioning this stereotype since i look deep into other ethnic creators looking for a similar pattern of thoughts. Emm Japanese writers are also interesting, very introspective and go beyond imagination. Emm sorry for long response i got carried away. Anyways all thanks to you and best of luck. Well for my mental state i think i am ok for now, i am not gonna lie one year of 20mg Paroxetine helped me get through. I stopped it and it was a hell to go over the withdrawal, man in those days brainzaps fucked me well. Anyways the difference crying at night stopped itself. A weird process i used to cry at night but after the intake you feel the mind state but at the same time you feel a blockage in your head. It feels like you cant go down the abyss, you feel like you want to cry so bad but there is nothing… anyways depression stays but not as bad as before my 2o mg intake of Paroxitine. Emm i am not gonna lie i used to experiment on vodka during the withdrawal of Paroxitine because i had very strong panic attacks like your lungs just stop hehe anyways wish you best of luck and keep writing, your stuff is really captivating for people who can identify as such

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