Today’s autism speculation: the book I’m reading reminded me that children with autism often use pedantic and ‘adult-seeming’ language and are mocked for it. As a child, I was told off by Adult Authority Figures for being pedantic and using long words (it was wrongly thought that I was trying to show off and belittle everyone else). I also used to get teased a lot by other kids at school for a variety of reasons, but sometimes for “speaking posh.” I assumed that this was because of my accent; I don’t have a particularly posh accent, but my peers mostly assumed Estuary English and I did not, but perhaps they meant my vocabulary. Even today I struggle to use slang in my writing, even something as informal as blogging. Sometimes I write something with slang and then edit it into something more formal. It took years to get me to use contractions in my writing.
Then again, I’ve always read a lot and at an advanced level for my years, so maybe that explains it. Certainly today is a “I don’t think I am autistic after all” day, which leads to, “Then how did I end up this messed up?” I still don’t think I can cope with careers and relationships. Just the thought that it could be ten years before I’m ready to date again is depressing me, both from loneliness and the thought that I will probably never have children (everyone laughs at me for saying that, given that I’m a man, but I can’t see myself marrying someone twenty years younger than me). I don’t know how I get through this.
I feel I should try to think positively about recovery, career, dating, everything, if I’m to stand a chance of changing anything, but my life has been so miserable for so long that it’s hard to see things ever changing. I’m trying to get back into applying for jobs, as my contract expires in a month, and I’ve found a couple of good-seeming ones, but I can’t see myself getting them, let alone managing to do them (even ignoring the fact that they’re all full-time and working just four days a week is already fuelling my depression and stress). Even reading the job specs, I feel panicked and out of my depth. I don’t even know what career I should be pursuing. It seems silly to give up on librarianship having fought so hard to qualify as a librarian, but I’m really not sure it’s right for me. But is anything right for me? The ongoing antisemitism furore makes me feel an obligation to do some kind of PhD on antisemitism and then work for someone like the CST (the NGO that monitors and tries to prevent antisemitism in the UK) or a Jewish think-tank, but that doesn’t seem quite right either. And my Mum is still trying to encourage me to be a primary school teacher, but that’s not any more right than the others. And comparing my writing about Doctor Who with that of others only makes me despair of selling anything else I write. I must be here on this Earth for some reason, but I don’t know what it is. All I can do is write about myself. I fear I have made myself and my neuroses into my autistic special interest.
I emailed my rabbi mentor about my feelings that God hates me and he said he feels it’s tied up in my general emotional state and feeling so depressed. He felt that I need to find “meaning and success” in everyday activities like work and a healthy home environment. I’m not sure how I can manage that right now, though. At least I felt a certain amount of satisfaction reviewing this week’s Doctor Who episode for my other blog, but then, as I said, it feels inferior to what other people write, so why bother?