I managed to phone the private clinic where I’d like to try and do some CBT to work on my self-esteem and social anxiety.  They said I need to be seen by their psychiatrist first who would assess my needs and the most appropriate type of therapy.  When I said I was seeing an NHS psychiatrist in two weeks, they said to go to that appointment and try to get a referral.  I phoned the NHS psychiatrist too, twice, to have another go at finding out when my appointment is, but I got voicemail both times.  I didn’t bother to leave a message as I know they won’t get back to me.

I’m nervous about being pushed down the wrong therapy path at the private clinic or having my understanding of my needs ignored by either the private clinic or the NHS psychiatrist.  Worried about being told something about myself that doesn’t fit my self-image, although that image is so confused that I’m not sure what being told something that doesn’t fit would entail.  (I think I have autism, except when I don’t.)  There’s something horrible about being told you aren’t who you think you are.  It’s why identity politics is so much more explosive than ordinary politics.  I guess I identify myself on some level as being depressed and autistic, which makes it hard to move on from the former and from my non-diagnosis of the latter.  I guess the only thing I would feel as strongly is if someone said I wasn’t really Jewish.  I’ve had some good psychiatrists and therapists over the years, but also some who have blundered around telling me what they think is wrong with me and what I should do without listening to me (plus one or two who have moved from one group to the other).  It’s quite scary not knowing which category the next appointment will be in and, in the case of the NHS, not easily being able to change and find someone else.

I’m trying to work on the job application for a librarian role at an major public institution that I started last weekend and have not had enough energy to finish yet.  It’s hard.  I feel pretty useless and unlikely to get the job, but I feel I ought to try now I’ve started, even though I’ve subsequently found other potential jobs I have (marginally) more chance of getting.  I hate questions like being told to show I have “Demonstrable enthusiasm for the Library and Information Management profession and an interest in the information needs of a … Library” or show an “Aptitude for enquiry work using a range of information resources and tools, including the ability to find, evaluate and explain information”, both questions to be answered with relation to specific tasks and situations and with reference to the required characteristics for the job.

4 thoughts on “Going Round in Circles

  1. If you don’t think the psychiatrist’s diagnosis or treatment recommendations fit you, you are always able to get another (and another…) psychiatrist until you think it’s the right fit. I’m not sure I would go to one stating that I think I have autism. Rather I would come in with a list of symptoms and some detailed thought patterns and behaviors that trouble me, and I would ask “Does it sound like autism?”

    By the way, I have had some terrible psychiatrists and psychologists. I had a psychiatrist who told me to just go home and drink warm milk at bedtime to help me sleep and pet my cat to help with depression. She didn’t listen at ALL, and I was suicidal. A psychologist I saw told me that when I had something stressful coming up, I should open one of my antidepressant capsules and sprinkle some of the contents on my tongue. Talk about lousy practitioners! Sometimes you just have to keep shopping for the right professionals. It can be a tiring process, but it’s worth it.

    I don’t know anyone who likes answering those annoying questions on job applications and interviews.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Bummer. Between the clomipramine shortage and not being able to switch doctor, doesn’t sound like the NHS is a good thing.


        1. Well, the clomipramine shortage isn’t anything to do with the NHS, it’s the manufacturer’s fault. But it is bad that you can’t switch psychiatrist. The silly thing is that for some years now you have been able to switch doctor for most services, just not for psychiatry. Don’t ask me why, but those are the rules.


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