My head feels like someone stole my brain and replaced it with cotton wool. I went for a walk for about twenty minutes. Bought tomatoes. I motivated myself to go by saying that I would go into the charity shop afterwards and browse the books, but it was shut. The sign said “Back in 5m (ish)” but I didn’t want to wait. Walking was difficult, I was so drained. I’m worried about getting to work tomorrow. I could see myself getting signed off work again. On the way to the shops I passed someone I know from shiur and his kids. He was driving, so I didn’t have to talk to him or feel guilty for not talking, but it just reminded me that other people my age (he is somewhat younger than me – I was at kindergarten with his elder brother) have lives and children.
I feel I missed the boat with my life. People say that childhood is the happiest time. Mine wasn’t awful, but in retrospect it seems quite difficult. So I wonder how I will ever have any joy in my life if those were the happiest days of my life. Plus our culture (I guess I mean secular Western popular culture) sends out the message that it’s only possible to find love (or enjoy sex, for that matter) if you’re under forty, and I’m aware that I’m climbing closer to forty than thirty. And frum (religious Jewish) culture assumes everyone is happily married by twenty-five.
Lying on my bed with music playing. I don’t really want to listen to music. I don’t really feel like doing anything. Part of me wants to read or watch a DVD, but I can’t get involved in anything. Just feeling overwhelmed at the thought of reading one book or one DVD. I want to read/watch everything… and nothing. I just don’t have the energy/concentration/motivation. I also can barely keep my eyes open, even though I’m not tired in the sleepy sense. I had to daven Mincha (say the afternoon prayers) largely by rote before because I couldn’t focus on my siddur (prayerbook). So, blogging too much today, because I can that without thinking (which says a lot about this blog…). Sorry for taking too much space on your blog reader/inbox. Maybe I’ve been over-stimulated this week. I just made a playlist of music to listen to for a bit, so I don’t have to keep getting up and skipping a track. Draw the curtains and lie in the dark with my eyes shut and the music on quietly.