I listened to music in the semi-darkness for a bit. I’m not sure how long. My attempt at finding soothing music was not so successful. I probably have some amongst the 135 classical pieces I recently downloaded, but I’m not good at remembering the names of classical pieces, or much about them, and most of my other music is louder and rockier (unexpectedly, I discovered in recent years that I like (some) loud rock. But after a while I find the noise too much and turn it down/off). But it seemed a better strategy than my usual depressive strategy of idly surfing online, getting progressively more depressed, whether from upsetting things in the world or comparing myself to others (one way or another) or from witnessing online arguments (which always upsets me for some reason). After a while I got up and played patience (what Americans call solitaire) for a while (without winning), which was also calming.
Probably I should limit myself to one session online per day. I go online to try to connect to people, but, while I do have successful ‘connections’ online, mostly they happen when other people reach out to me (usually by commenting on my blog, or emailing me after reading it) or sometimes when I read mental health blogs, but not when I read other stuff online, particularly news, politics or stuff about Jewish society. And I should stay away from the nightmare that is Twitter! (I used to say that the only thing worth reading with 140 characters is War and Peace, but now Twitter has expanded their letter-count so that joke doesn’t really work any more.) I’m pessimistic about my ability to do this, as I’ve often resolved to reduce my depressive internet usage/procrastination in the past, without success. The only thing that works is being more active and having less time to spend procrastinating and less depression and loneliness to try to alleviate with random internet surfing/blog reading, but I can’t will myself into that state.
I watched tonight’s new episode of Doctor Who, which was good, but it left me tense and anxious and I’m not sure why. I’m not afraid of spiders (tonight’s monster) and lived in a spider-infested flat for two years without a problem. Partly there was some dialogue that should have been cut in the light of the shooting in the shul (synagogue) in Philadelphia yesterday, but I wonder if modern TV drama, or just modern Doctor Who (compared with twentieth century Who) is not autistic friendly, with lots of noise and fast dialogue that is hard to follow and lots of emotional drama. I don’t know. I don’t know about a lot of things at the moment. Still, it gave me the quote in this post’s title. I did at least spend forty-five minutes or so working on my Doctor Who book before bed, writing about 800 words, which was very good. So, not a good day, but I managed to salvage some of it.