I didn’t go volunteering. I just have no energy or concentration or motivation or anything, really. I felt that I would not be able to look after children, let alone speak to adults and that I would be more of a liability than an asset. I just feel so drained today. My Mum wanted me to go. She gave me the same talk about “forcing myself” to do social things that I’ve had since childhood. I guess this is why I want some kind of diagnosis of autism or social communication disorder, so other people might understand me better. Or, I guess, so that I would be more forgiving of myself, because I feel bad for not going. I want to at least work on my Doctor Who book, but I haven’t got the energy or concentration for that either. I tried watching TV, but even a comedy programme was triggering. I feel that I should just go back to bed. I’ve got nothing to say, but I want attention/sympathy/love/I-don’t-know-what-but-I-haven’t-got-it.
I’m going to force myself to go for a walk in a minute, although I don’t feel like it. The only think I really feel like doing is sleeping. Not even vegetating in front of the TV or eating junk. Just tuning out of the world. I haven’t been this bad in a long while and I wonder how I will get to work this week.