Shabbat (the Sabbath) was OK, but this evening has been tough. The shooting at a shul (synagogue) in America has really upset and depressed me (for what it’s worth, it’s already been knocked off the top story spot on BBC news online by a football club owner’s helicopter crash). I keep going back to the news online, but I don’t know why. It can only get worse. I suppose I want to understand why someone would want to do something like that.
I had a waffley paragraph of political despair here, which I decided to cut (it wasn’t controversial, just rambling), but I do worry about the way the world is going, polarising between equally repulsive far-right and far-left views. As a natural centrist (albeit with a bit of an anarchist streak), it is hard to feel comfortable in the world.
I guess it all does make going to volunteer at the asylum seekers drop-in centre tomorrow (today now) seem more important. At least I’m helping people, and people who are different from me in terms of race and religion. I just hope it makes a difference somehow, even a very small difference.
More banally finishing the job application for a major British public institution proved very difficult, although I’ve sent it off now. I answered some questions badly and one I could not really answer at all. I just fudged it. I won’t even be called to interview, but it’s too late tonight to start another application somewhere else. I don’t know if I’ll have time tomorrow, as I’m volunteering and I need to cook dinner when I get home as Mum and Dad are out (and, yes a new episode of Doctor Who is on in the evening). And then I got a migraine that thankfully responded quickly to painkillers, but made me feel worse for a while and slowed down the job application writing.
I didn’t mention that I got a rejection this week for more or less the only job that I’ve applied for recently that I really wanted to get.
A friend emailed me out of the blue to see how I’m doing, which was nice, but on the whole I’m still feeling very lonely, although it’s hard to tease apart exactly what the loneliness is, how much is about friendship, love, sex, attention, empathy, support or what. I’m thinking more and more seriously about getting a pet (guinea pigs at the moment) but I’m unsure. Mum turned out to be open to the idea when I raised it, but Dad didn’t say anything. My worries are that I read that they need really big cages ideally and I’m not sure how much space I have in my room. Plus, given that I daven (pray) and study Torah in my bedroom, I would have to ask a halakhic question about whether that is permissible with guinea pig litter around. But I don’t know if getting a pet is a good idea. Would it help me and be a step on the road to finding a wife and kids or would it cement my life as a loner, the male equivalent of the Crazy Cat Lady? Can pets even help someone who really wants a meaningful adult romantic relationship?
I still feel really confused about what is ‘wrong’ with me and whether I can ever get the help I need. Even if I don’t have autism, I have a lot of the symptoms, yet because I don’t have a diagnosis, I can’t access any support services (not that I’m sure that there is much for adults on the spectrum – it seems to be mostly geared up to children). Yolanda commented on a previous post to say that a diagnosis might help me to be kinder to myself. I responded that I was thinking the exact same thing today, but that really my depression diagnosis should also allow me to be kinder to myself, but I still beat myself up for being depressed for so long, for not managing to do things I could do years ago (although I do other things I didn’t do then), for not managing as well as other people with mental health issues might be managing and so on.
Still, at least we get an extra hour tonight. I wish that happened more often than once a year. I don’t need material things much more than the basics (food, shelter, books and science fiction DVDs), but I wish people could buy me more time for Chanukah or my birthday.