Today was more successful than yesterday. I got to work on time despite train delays, thanks to getting a lift to the station from Mum, which I don’t normally ask for, to save time. I’ve been relying on my parents for lifts home from the station in the evening too, because I’m so exhausted when I come home. I feel bad about that. Still, I processed about 110 records today as opposed to 89 yesterday, which is good, although still below the 120-130 I was averaging a week or so ago. I really feel that work is having a negative cumulative effect on me. By 4.00pm today I was feeling not just exhausted but actually ill and I wasn’t entirely sure how I was going to make it to the end of the work day. Even after having been home for hours and having eaten dinner and watched some TV, I still feel exhausted and somewhat ill.
I can’t describe what ‘ill’ feels like, tired and faint, but more than that. I just want to rest in a dark, quiet room. This hasn’t really happened to me before and I wonder if reading about autism and other conditions to try to understand myself has made me into a hypochondriac or if I would have benefited from sensory calm in the past, but it just never occurred to me to try it. Similarly, I don’t know if I really have a problem with fluorescent lights or if that’s just something else my mind has fastened on. At any rate, on the train home I was largely too tired to read and too overwhelmed to keep my eyes open in the train lights or to listen to my iPod.
I had the thought on the way home that I should move to Israel and live on a religious kibbutz, which is a silly fantasy rather than a serious plan, but I feel I would benefit from being around nature a bit more and around artificial light and noise a bit less, even if I suspect I couldn’t stand the rustic life for long (and I wouldn’t cope with the communalist aspect of kibbutz life). I’m not sure how it compares with getting a pet in the realism stakes.
Tomorrow I hope I shall feel well enough to get to depression support group after work. I haven’t been since June, I think, and I feel a bit nervous about going, especially as I feel I want to talk about autism, but I’m not sure how people will respond. I hope to get the confidence to speak first, which is selfish, because the main facilitator is a bad timekeeper and the people who speak first get to speak more than those left until the end and I feel I would rather not be hurried, even though I’m not sure how much I want to say. Usually no one wants to go first and there’s an awkward pause, so I wouldn’t feel too bad about it.