“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Is life a multiple choice test or is it a true or false test?’ Then a voice comes to me out of the dark, and says, ‘We hate to tell you this, but life is a thousand word essay.'” The Complete Peanuts: 1999 to 2000, Charles M. Schulz p. 30
I feel very drained today. Yesterday evening my sister, brother-in-law and my sister’s mother-in-law, father-in-law and sister-in-law all came for dinner. It was fun and I managed to join in (I’m beginning to feel more comfortable with them), but the evening lasted something like four or five hours which, after an intense work week, was too long for me and I was burnt out by the end.
Today I slept through the morning again, felt exhausted, but forced my self to go to Talmud shiur (class) and Ma’ariv (the evening service) at shul (synagogue) and to help tidy up at home afterwards, but now just want to curl up. I should really be writing job applications or at least emailing the friend who sent me a very long email some time ago that I haven’t had the time/energy/concentration to respond to yet, but I don’t have the energy for anything other than TV. I didn’t even read much over Shabbat, just Peanuts cartoons, because I was too drained for even a novel. Likewise during the week, although I usually read on the train, I have often been too tired to do so this week, or I’ve read The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome instead, so I’m making slow progress through Robots and Empire, the book where Isaac Asimov tried to tie together his Robot, Galactic Empire and Foundation series. It doesn’t help that, 150 pages in (out of over 500), it hasn’t really captured my attention yet. (I think Asimov was better at short stories and short novels than long novels.)
I had an autistic moment at the start of Talmud shiur when the assistant rabbi said they missed me at the parasha shiur on Thursday and I wasn’t sure whether that was an implied question asking if I’m OK or what I was doing. I was actually at depression support group on Thursday evening. The people who were there at the time know (a little bit) about my problems, but I was still too shy to say anything.
My sister, brother-in-law, my sister’s brother-in-law, his wife and their young children have gone to see fireworks for Guy Fawkes Night tonight. I kind of wish I could have gone to fireworks with someone. I haven’t really done Guy Fawkes Night for twenty years or so. (Actually, that correlates approximately with the time that I’ve been depressed…) I can here fireworks from my room right now, but I can’t see them. I also find it weird that my sister now has a whole family that aren’t related to me, including nieces and a nephew. This just makes me feel how unlikely it is that I will ever get married. I thought again about going to a shadchan (matchmaker), but that seemed pointless until I have a more secure job, which in turn seems unlikely to happen until I have the depression under control and some idea of whether there really is anything else going on in my head that I need to deal with (autism, trauma etc.). I’m still thinking of getting guinea pigs, so I can have some company and someone to care for, but I’m scared of what it would entail. I don’t even know where there’s a pet shop.
The only other thing I can think of today is how depressing the world is. I think all the bad news has just merged in my head into one big, ongoing piece of badness. Brexitrumputincorbynsaudiran. As Jews we believe that even small acts of goodness can turn the tide against evil, but sometimes it’s hard to see anything positive happening in the world.
I feel so tired. It’s not yet 8.00pm but I feel ready to go to bed, although I probably wouldn’t sleep if I did, bearing in mind that I slept for twelve hours or so last night. I don’t really think it’s a good idea to go to bed right now, so I’m going to watch DVDs instead. I need to find the energy to make something to eat.