I overslept a bit this morning. Despite having had nearly eight hours sleep, I woke up depressed, thinking morbid thoughts about wanting to die. I still believe that Judaism, lived properly, is a joyous and meaningful way of life, maybe the most joyous and meaningful way of life, but I feel that I’m prevented from living it properly by depression and social anxiety: I don’t daven (pray) as I should, study Torah as I should, do acts of kindness or have the right kind of family and community to live a Jewish life properly.
Today I also felt a lot of what I suppose you could call anxiety or perhaps even obsession, but of a peculiar kind that afflicts me every so often, worrying about all the books and DVDs I want to own and read or watch, or re-read and re-watch. I realised today that it’s about completism rather than enjoyment or materialism. I get anxious about not ticking these things off my ‘to read/watch’ list as much as anything else. There’s also autistic obsession/special interests in there too, the desire to collect something and feeling that things are wrong if the collection is incomplete. It’s why I get annoyed when series of books or TV programmes I like extend indefinitely, when I should want that to happen. I want to contemplate the series in its entirety and (less positively) know I own all of it, which isn’t possible with ongoing series. It doesn’t help that I basically see my favourite books and DVDs as my friends and want to spend more time with them, going back to favourite stories multiple times if I can justify the time. Books and DVDs are at least always there for me, whereas friends have a tendency to disappear, or at least to live far away. People are harder to understand than books and DVDs too, and less amenable to being repeated until I do understand them.
At work I processed about 130 records (good), but also discovered that the other temp has been processing about 200 records a day for weeks, which made me feel more depressed. I feel sure that my boss regrets hiring me, although I have no objective proof of this. The temp is going on to a permanent job elsewhere from next week. I have ten work days left until unemployment. I will be glad to get out of the office, though. Today the people next to me spent an hour or more chatting, which was both distracting and depressing, depressing because I realised that other people can afford to waste time, whereas I’m working flat out just to do the bare minimum of work, and that with mistakes.
I think my OCD is trying to come back. There has been some worry about kashrut (Jewish dietary laws), which was the main focus in the past, but also worrying about pronouncing words properly in davening (prayer). I’m currently trying to cope with some kashrut anxiety and attendant guilt over some omega-3 supplements that may not be kosher because I misunderstood the London Beit Din’s guidelines. I don’t think that this could treif up any of our crockery, but I’m not sure. I emailed the Beit Din about it, but they haven’t got back to me yet.
Today I was reminded of someone I used to have a terrible crush on (all my crushes are terrible) when I was at university. I realise now that we are not remotely suitable for each other (actually, it would be hard to think of someone less suitable). We’re still friends, but I’m quite happy to go a year at a time without seeing her, something that would have seemed unbearable seventeen years ago. Perhaps – perhaps – one day all my crushes will seem so irrelevant and I’ll be glad that nothing came of them. Perhaps one day I’ll even understand why God thinks I have to be so lonely and miserable, and be glad of it. Perhaps. On which note, I managed to comment on this post without the usual Pavlovian response of wallowing in lonely self-pity whenever anyone says the word ‘marriage,’ although I couldn’t shake the “I’m-never-going-to-get-married” thoughts.