Today was just awful. I struggled to get up, struggled to stay awake on the train to work (I didn’t read at all, not Mishnah, not autism book and not fiction). Then, when I got to work I discovered that I’ve made a mistake, potentially through all my work over the ten or so weeks I’ve been in this job. I don’t know exactly how serious the mistake is. I sent an email to apologise, but my boss is away until after my contract finishes. The person standing in for her didn’t think it was so bad, but she wasn’t sure. I started catastrophising and worried about them suing me to get my wages back or even my going to jail because the mistake involved potential infringement of GDPR regulations – if this sounds excessive, it’s worth noting that I have a history of pure O OCD fears that I’ve committed a crime without realising it and will go to jail, so that’s probably where that came from (Wikipedia has reassured me that a written warning is the most one would get for a first or accidental offence).
I spent the rest of the day struggling with this anxiety (some of which, as I say, was probably OCD), alongside despair, shame and self-loathing. Years ago I went to a confidence class where I was told that everyone except brain surgeons and airline pilots has the right to make mistakes in their work, but I seem to do nothing but make mistakes. Even this mistake came from over-compensating from previous mistakes, trying to avoid making them. I’m seriously wondering if I should even be in the workforce at the moment, given that my depression-occluded concentration makes it so hard for me to avoid mistakes, even without struggling with depression and anxiety all day. But I’m not sure what the alternative is. I don’t qualify for benefits (or I didn’t last time I was assessed) and I don’t want to live off my parents.
I feel such a huge disappointment to everyone. I was sure my boss regretted hiring me even before today. I’m pretty certain my boss in my previous job came to regret hiring me. She more or less told me that she didn’t think I could do my job, at least not the parts that involved interactions with staff and students. I worry that I’m a disappointment to my parents too. They say I’m not, but I can’t help but compare myself negatively with my (younger) sister, with a steadily-progressing career, a husband and now a house. I wonder if I’m a disappointment to my religious community and rabbis. It seems likely, as I don’t do the things a frum (religious) Jew should do. I don’t know if I’m a disappointment to my friends. They probably have minimal expectations for me, so don’t get disappointed, which is probably just as well. But I feel like I’m a disappointment to everyone else I come into contact with. I guess even this blog is a disappointment to anyone looking for genuine insight into mental illness, or anything other than self-absorbed navel-gazing, really.