I feel totally wiped out today. Exhausted and depressed. I ate two bowls of cereal and I still feel somewhat faint. I forgot to take my meds last night, which probably didn’t help, but I think I’m wiped out from work. I don’t think I can work four full days a week. I definitely got worse when I increased my hours in my old job from three to four days, although a number of other things went wrong around that time, so it’s hard to be sure. Unfortunately, all the jobs I see advertised are full time, or hours I can’t do (usually weekend jobs where you have to work on Saturdays).
Jewish inspirational sites just depress me. I can’t do the things they tell me will make me happy and spiritually fulfilled. They just leave me feeling despairing and guilty for being such a bad Jew. These ideas on ways to love yourself are good, but I just can’t do them, or I’ve tried them and they don’t work for me.
The news is depressing. It’s either terrible things, or trivial stories about ‘celebrities’ I’ve never heard of. On the other hand, I’m pleased with myself for dubbing ex-minister Jo Johnson “BoJo’s bro Jo.” And I rolled my eyes at the BBC inexplicably describing a new standard measure of a kilogram as “more egalitarian” – apparently identity politics now rules SI units (the rest of the article made perfect sense and gave no sense of what on Earth they were on about in that phrase. I’ve long suspected BBC news of going slightly nuts).
More craziness: the otherwise very useful Goodreads.com has decided that because I’ve read The Brothers Karamazov in English translation, it should recommend me Arabic books in Arabic (not translation). I can’t even work out what the titles are. Must be something wrong with their algorithms. But somehow it seems appropriate today, when I feel like the world is talking a different language to me.
I have to speak to lawyers today. About three years ago, I was really exhausted coming home from therapy and decided to phone my Dad for a lift from the Tube station rather than walking for twenty minutes. This turned out to be one of the most fateful decisions of my life. As the car pulled out of the station drop-off area, a motorcycle courier smashed into it. My Dad phoned an ambulance, but the courier said she was fine and cancelled it. Meanwhile (not knowing the courier was fine) I went back inside the station and got one of the station guards (or whatever they’re called) in case he knew first aid. The police were also called and questioned everyone, but eventually went away satisfied there was no dangerous driving.
About nine months later, my Dad got a letter from his insurance company saying he was being sued for damages by the courier, who claims she has problems with her leg now. I’m pretty sure she got in touch with one of those ambulance-chasing “no win, no fee” law firms that cold call people touting for business. I suspect the point of the exercise is to get my Dad’s insurance company to settle out of court in the belief that it’s cheaper to pay a sum outright rather than go to court and fight it. However, the station guard is now claiming that he saw the accident (which is more or less impossible, as he was inside and talking to someone else when I came in) and that my Dad was to blame, so I have to talk to my Dad’s insurance company’s lawyers today. This is not something I particularly needed right now.
It reminds me of something W. S. Gilbert (of Gilbert and Sullivan fame) said, that if someone comes up to you in the street and demands you give him your watch, you should punch him on the nose and send him on his way, but if he says he’s going to sue you for your watch, it’s easier and cheaper just to hand it over. (Of course, nowadays if you punched a mugger on the nose you’d get arrested for assault and sued for damages.)
I’m supposed to be applying for two jobs today too, or one and a half as I started one application last Sunday, but with Shabbat (the Sabbath) starting at 3.54pm, and I’ve still got to have lunch and do my Shabbat preparation chores, that doesn’t seem very likely to happen, not while I feel this exhausted and depressed.