I wrote this about an hour ago and interrupted myself before posting.  It feels somewhat unfinished.  I don’t feel as bad now as I did then, but I want to post it as a sort of time capsule, albeit one preserving a recent time, but also as a demonstration of how bad I feel at times, often when I’m not able to post.  I kind of wish I could have a reverse time capsule, with my future self sending encouraging messages back to me, but then again, maybe there’s nothing encouraging to say about my future (this is me positive, wait until you see the negative).

I’m feeling really bad and I don’t know why.  My parents haven’t even gone away yet, although they are out at a charity event at the moment (EDIT: they’re back now).  I want to write what I feel, but when I try to write it all becomes sanitised.  I can’t put what I feel into words.  I’m not sure I entirely know what I feel.

I’m beating myself up because of a religious OCD situation that isn’t really my fault and probably isn’t anything to worry about, but I feel I made a mistake and It’s All My Fault if it Goes Wrong.

Sometimes I wish I was asexual (I believe a number of autistic people are).  I can’t see myself ever getting married, and I wouldn’t have sex outside of marriage (my first girlfriend thought that I wouldn’t even if I was married to her and maybe she was right).  It’s a mitzvah (commandment) for men (not women) to get married and have children, but it’s unlikely that I ever will.  It would make my life easier and less guilt-ridden.

I want to hurt myself, but I feel too scared.  I feel that I’m just messed up beyond all hope of repair.

None of what I’ve written remotely portrays how much emotional pain I feel I’m in right now (plus physical discomfort, as my parents turn the heating up far too high for my liking.  I’ve only recently discovered that sensitivity to heat can be an autistic sensory issue, although I shouldn’t say that as Officially I am Boringly Neurotypical and any unusual behaviour is just common or garden weirdness and the intractability of my depression is just Bad Luck).

This was the point where I stopped writing.  Goodnight.

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4 thoughts on “Time Capsule Fragment

  1. I’m sorry you’re feeling so miserable. Please don’t hurt yourself. What you’re hearing in your mind about your reality isn’t accurate. I’m not saying you don’t have challenges in your life, but you’re not seeing them as you would without depression. Are you going to be safe while your parents are gone? It might be time to call your doctor to at least tell him/her how bad things have gotten. Saying you’re increasingly having thoughts of suicide will get them to listen to you. Please email me (use my blog page) if you need someone to talk to or exchange emails with. Do your friends know how depressed you are? Please tell your friends. Even though you may think you’re disturbing them and that they won’t want to listen or won’t care, I can assure you that good friends will want to know what’s going on.

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    1. I guess I can only see my challenges with depression because I’ve only really known depression my whole adult life (or most of it).

      I think I’m safe. It’s difficult to get a doctor’s appointment at short notice and I know from experience there’s not a lot they’ll do if you don’t have a suicide plan.

      Thanks for offering to email. My friends who read my blog know how I am, which is most of the close friends, but not my other friends. But I don’t like to bother them because they feel pretty powerless over my depression too, and have their own problems.

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