I have a triage phone appointment next Monday to discuss CBT. I have to fill in a questionnaire first, so I hope I can find the time to do that with work and being home alone. I’m nervous that things won’t go the way I want even though I have only a vague idea of what I want from this. I guess I’m used to being disappointed.
I’ve been pretty depressed today and also quite anxious about things, silly things, like when am I going to finish doing the research for the Doctor Who book I’m writing? When am I going to have time to read all the books I want to read and re-read (I’m a re-reader and a re-viewer. I don’t really understand people who only read a good book once. I find I need to read or watch a story at least twice to fix it in my mind, and like revisiting good stories and characters)? And so on. There was a lot of anxiety about politics too. I should keep off Twitter, but I need to use it to promote my Doctor Who blog, which I’m only doing very tentatively. So I read a bit and post almost nothing and don’t follow anyone, which is the worst of all possible worlds. I was also feeling some anger, about politics and other stuff. I’ve fallen out with someone (quietly – he doesn’t know he upset me) and the organisation he’s involved with (which wasn’t involved this time, but has upset me in the past) seems tainted now and I’m struggling to process what I feel even several months down the line. I’m not very proud of that, but it’s there. And anger about politics, but it seems like everyone’s angry about politics at the moment, not that that’s a sign of anything good (see Twitter again).
One of the things I was angry about was my autism non-diagnosis. I was told that I have some autistic symptoms (I think I have more than was recorded, because I now realise I do things like stimming very subtly and wasn’t really aware of what I was doing or that it was relevant at the time), but not autism, so I couldn’t have any help. The NHS just told me to continue with psychotherapy and medication. It’s like being told that you aren’t diabetic, but you have some symptoms of diabetes and you could still die from it, but we aren’t going to give you insulin or teach you how to manage your diet because you don’t tick the right boxes. So that’s getting me angry today.