I feel very tired and depressed again today. It’s amazing how quickly I feel worse without structure, even though I felt so anxious and depressed at work. I feel as anxious and depressed at home now, and unlike at work I can’t leave the feelings behind for the evening and 5pm. It’s just a hideous effort to do anything, even to get dressed or make lunch, and my concentration is poor. I’m reading an Agatha Christie novel at the moment, which is not exactly heavy-going, but I’m struggling to read for long. (It probably doesn’t help that I have read the book before; I thought I’d forgotten enough of it for it to be worth re-reading, but the details have come back to me as I’ve been reading it. I don’t like giving up on books, though, even when I remember whodunnit).
I can’t think what to write for the presentation I’m supposed to give next week. I just can’t think of anything. No one seems to believe me. I think everyone’s waiting for me to “knuckle down” and do it. But I just can’t. I know I’ve can’t. When I’m this depressed (and it’s happened quite a few times over the years, when doing my BA and MA and when working), I just can’t do anything. It’s like my mind is saying it has been overworked and is simply refusing to do any more. This can go on for months or even years.
It’s not the only thing my mind is refusing to do. We received a parcel on Monday for a house further down the road (the delivery man misread the house number, somehow transposing the digits). My Dad has already tried to twice to return it, but no one is answering the door. He wants me to have another go, but so far I haven’t worked up the courage.
I haven’t had a response to either email I sent to shul (synagogue), one about fees and one about security. Technically that means I’m still down to do security this week, but I doubt I can make it. I don’t know what to do. Again, my mind is just shutting down and going into denial.
I did at least manage to phone to move the appointment about employment support that clashed with my interview next week and move it to a different day, although that looks rather pointless if I won’t be going to the interview after all.
The good news is that I emailed the charitable organisation (not local government as I originally thought) that provides pre-assessment screening for autism (to show whether you should consider formal assessment and to provide access to support services even without assessment – this could potentially be a way of moving towards a reassessment on the NHS) and they said I would qualify for screening even if I’ve already been assessed and told that I’m not autistic. I guess if I’m going to go for it, it would be best to do it soon, both to try to get help with job hunting and to avoid needing time off from work to go. But it’s scary putting myself up for assessment again and I don’t know whether to go for it or not, especially as I keep going back and forth in my mind about how likely it seems that I’m on the spectrum. I do feel I have something wrong with me beyond depression. The other people at depression group manage to converse with each other during the refreshment break no matter how depressed and anxious they are, while I just sit there feeling useless and alone unless someone talks to me, in which case I respond awkwardly. But I guess that could just be social anxiety. And lots of people, including a psychiatrist and a therapist, both of whom saw me for years, think that I’m somewhere on the spectrum. But I do seem to lack certain crucial symptoms and it’s hard to tell if I had them at one point and learnt workarounds for them or if I never had them. Plus I’ve already had two assessments that said I’m not autistic.
I need to tell my parents at least some of this stuff. I’ve told them I can’t write the presentation, but I’m not sure how seriously they took it. I need to see what they think about the autism screening. I’m so nervous about what they might think. I know I’m thirty-five and should make my own decisions, but I do rely on them emotionally still as well as financially. I would feel uncomfortable cancelling the interview as they are supporting me financially and I feel I should be trying to find a job. I moved away from the idea of having pets when I saw how opposed my Mum was, even though I wasn’t sure how reasonable her fears were, and even though my rabbi mentor thought it was a good idea.
I don’t really know what to do about anything right now, and the clock is ticking away on a lot of things…