(I now second-guess my every move, looking for signs of autism. I suspect I have told the story in this post in an autistic way, putting the wrong details first, but I can’t work out how to restructure. Feel free to read the last paragraph first, which has the actual good news.)
I went to bed just after midnight last night, knowing I had to be up reasonably early for a job interview this morning, but I couldn’t sleep. Around 2.30am it occurred to me to check whether I had taken my evening medication and I hadn’t. It’s frightening that it can have such an immediate effect. I only wish it worked as well on my mood as my sleep. I eventually got to sleep around 3.30am and got around four hours sleep.
I arrived half an hour early for my interview this morning at the library of a London university and had to wait as they were running late. The interview itself mostly went OK, but not great, with one exception. I was asked about ‘historical bibliography,’ a term I had come across in the job description and thought I understood, but, as they asked a very precise question about it, I realised with a sinking feeling that it had a technical meaning that I had not encountered before. I probably should have at least asked them to rephrase the question, but I think I catastrophised and thought I had ruined everything and just tried to bluff my way through. I think I answered the other questions OK, but not exceptionally, but I’m worried that answer will cost me the job.
I spent much of the journey to and from the interview worrying about my career and whether I will ever have enough of one (or enough of an income, which isn’t quite the same thing) to justify looking to get married, and whether I could find someone who would take me. I still feel the only reason someone else would have me is because she was “settling” for someone less than ideal. On the way home I did however, feel some… not exactly optimism, but trust in God that things might turn out OK.
Since writing the second paragraph of this post, I’ve heard from the recruitment agency that was arranging the job. To my surprise, I’ve been offered the job and have accepted. It’s two days a week for one month at the moment with the potential to be extended for a further two months, which is pretty much ideal for me at the moment, as I can’t work Friday afternoons in the winter because of Shabbat (the Jewish Sabbath, which starts at sunset) and I’m committed to employment and resilience workshops two other days a week in January too and which I want to attend as they sound helpful. I’m nervous and excited at the same time. I’m still worried that I will mess this job up too. I worry depression has made me stupid and prone to careless mistakes. But I’ll be working with rare books and I think I’ll be largely focused on back-room roles, so at least that will be more interesting, and potentially more autism/social anxiety-friendly, then my recent jobs. I was so nervous I forgot to ask about the salary, though. I really do have different priorities to everyone else sometimes. When the phone call came, I was in the middle of watching one of the better episodes of Sherlock to relax (The Reichenbach Fall), but feel too emotional to concentrate now. I may post again later when I’m a bit calmer!