I had a whole post I thought of while I was cooking dinner, one of my ‘crazy’ agitated posts where I get caught up in some bizarre chain of reasoning about myself and my life…  As Philip K. Dick said, “Either I’ve invented a whole new logic or, ahem, I’m not playing with a full deck.”  I think we know I’m not playing with a full deck, it’s just a question of how long I can last in the real world.

The chain of thought potentially had an interesting kernel for me to consider some other time, but it is frightening how I get caught up in things and get so agitated and upset.

I feel really upset right now and lonely.  My parents are still at the wedding and probably will be until very late.  I don’t know how I managed to cook dinner; I certainly don’t feel able to do anything else.  I watched some Jonathan Creek.  I don’t know what to do now.  I hate myself right now.  I really, really hate myself.  I half-heartedly tried to self-harm before, hitting the walls.  I feel like I’ve gone mad, but everyone expects me to carry on and function like a normal (that word again) sane person.  I hate myself for not living up to my own standards.  I hate myself for screwing everything up again, as I always do.

I ought to phone Samaritans.  At any rate, that would be better than writing here or hurting myself (literally or metaphorically).  I don’t know what to say to them, though.  I’m scared what’s going to happen to me and I feel so completely alone right now – not because my parents are away, I mean in my life at the moment – a few people care about me, but no one can actually help me, because there’s nothing that can be done for me.

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4 thoughts on “New Logic

  1. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so lonely and desperate. I can understand you really want love and affection in the form of a romantic relationship. However, I found that even in a romantic relationship you can feel very lonely and misunderstood, and it is the fault of depression, which isolates us because it brings a hightened sense of reality and self-awareness that non-depressed people can’t see or understand. Depression has made me aware that life is meaningless (as an atheist I truly believe this) and that I have been dealt certain cards in life which makes it very hard to function like a normal person. However, this awareness wouldn’t give me as much grief if people didn’t shame me for having these negative feelings, because that is what causes my self-hatred. I think the loneliness doesn’t really stem from my beliefs, but from the fact that people deny and shame them and therefore I feel like I can’t share them with anyone. I don’t know if this makes any sense to you. But I just wanted you to know that every depressed person knows what you’re talking about and understands you, so you’re not alone even if you feel like it. It sucks not having someone in real life to share your feelings with though. I hope you feel less desperate tomorrow and get to experience a romantic relationship soon. Because even my depressed cynical self thinks you are worthy of love and affection. Not in spite but all the more because you hate yourself, as you could really use some love and something positive in your life right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This does make sense to me, yes. Thank you for saying that I’m worthy of love and affection, it is hard for me to hold on to that.

      It’s true that I could be lonely in a relationship. My first girlfriend didn’t understand my depression and used to ignore me when I was very depressed and looking for support.

      Liked by 1 person

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