I had a whole post I thought of while I was cooking dinner, one of my ‘crazy’ agitated posts where I get caught up in some bizarre chain of reasoning about myself and my life… As Philip K. Dick said, “Either I’ve invented a whole new logic or, ahem, I’m not playing with a full deck.” I think we know I’m not playing with a full deck, it’s just a question of how long I can last in the real world.
The chain of thought potentially had an interesting kernel for me to consider some other time, but it is frightening how I get caught up in things and get so agitated and upset.
I feel really upset right now and lonely. My parents are still at the wedding and probably will be until very late. I don’t know how I managed to cook dinner; I certainly don’t feel able to do anything else. I watched some Jonathan Creek. I don’t know what to do now. I hate myself right now. I really, really hate myself. I half-heartedly tried to self-harm before, hitting the walls. I feel like I’ve gone mad, but everyone expects me to carry on and function like a normal (that word again) sane person. I hate myself for not living up to my own standards. I hate myself for screwing everything up again, as I always do.
I ought to phone Samaritans. At any rate, that would be better than writing here or hurting myself (literally or metaphorically). I don’t know what to say to them, though. I’m scared what’s going to happen to me and I feel so completely alone right now – not because my parents are away, I mean in my life at the moment – a few people care about me, but no one can actually help me, because there’s nothing that can be done for me.