I’m still depressed today. I feel a bit guilty today as my parents and cousin went to see a National Trust property and I said I might come with, but in the end felt too depressed and tired. I feel like I’ve let them down, especially as Mum went to a lot of trouble to change the time of her grocery delivery in case I went with, although I did say not to bother and that I wouldn’t come and would stay in for it. Part of me feels that I’ve been to a million stately homes with my parents and, much as I’m interested in history (my BA subject), visiting stately homes gets repetitive unless you’re really obsessive about history of interior design, but I feel I should probably do something with my parents and especially my cousin. I did at least watch TV (Jonathan Creek) with my parents last night and tonight, so I am doing some things as a family and my cousin will still be with us over Shabbat (the Sabbath) so I will see her then.
My shul (synagogue) rabbi is probably moving to a new community. It looks like they’re looking for a new rabbi to replace him, rather than just promoting the assistant rabbi, who is probably still a bit too young. I didn’t rely too much on the rabbi, taking most of my questions to my rabbi mentor, but he did know a bit about my struggles and had some understanding of mental health issues; it will be difficult to open up to a new rabbi when he comes. Pesach (Passover) in particular is a time when the religious OCD can get out of hand with the special eight-days-only dietary laws and my rabbi mentor is hard to get hold of then (he generally doesn’t check his emails during chol hamoed). I’m not quite sure what I feel about this, but it feels like another thing making shul difficult for me.
I’ve had some kashrut OCD again today, from some things my parents did. I wouldn’t have done what they did, but I know it was all OK after the event, but the OCD voice in my head keeps asking me if I’m sure it was OK and shouldn’t I ask a rabbi to be 100% sure, even though I know that makes the OCD worse.
Overall, I feel rather lost. I’m still worried about my new job, that I’m going to mess it up. As it’s only a one month contract at the moment the cost of messing it up couldn’t be too great, but I’m a perfectionist and I don’t like making mistakes, still less being told off.
I did at least confirm my attendance at the resilience class in January and checked that the letter about my autism screening arrived with my GP. He has been on holiday, but the receptionist kindly left a note on the system for him to remind him to refer me for a formal assessment when he gets back. And I did some more miniature painting, so the day was not a total waste. But I do feel like I should have been job hunting or doing chores this week instead of painting Doctor Who miniatures and feeling depressed.
I drafted an email ages ago to the counsellor who does the ‘Q & A for Teens’ feature on Jewish website Aish.com. I feel I want to ask someone frum (religious) for advice about my self-hatred, the lack of direction in my life and the feeling that God hates me. But I’m hardly a teen (even though the questions are ones that I could have asked in my teens had I been more self-aware) and I’m not even sure they are still running the column. E. has kind of talked me into sending the email, but I’m still not happy with it, redrafting and editing it, removing a lot of stuff about dating, my (non-)career and feeling that God hates me to focus just on my issues with fitting in to the frum community. It’s under 300 words now, but I still feel it’s too long, so I’m procrastinating over it some more.