I sent that email I was threatening to send to the teenage agony aunt at Aish.com. I focused it on my difficulty talking to people at shul. It was tempting to send a general “I’m a complete mess” email, but I decided I should be more focused, especially as I shouldn’t really be writing to them anyway. It was bad enough that it seems that it’s impossible for me to talk about my social interactions without saying that I feel that I’m a “freak” who no one could ever like. I have no idea what the outcome will be, but the worst case scenario is that someone I don’t know on the other side of the world will hate me for wasting her time and not even trying to pretend that I’m a teenager.
I feel rather edgy and agitated, although not anxious as such. I watched Sherlock: His Last Vow and ate too much Ben and Jerry’s ice cream (chocolate fudge brownie and birthday cake since you asked). My parents’ dinner party is generating too much noise for me to consider getting an early night, plus there are fireworks outside, but working out how to get through the night is hard. I need not to be able to think about things. Reading is difficult when I’m this depressed (and when there’s so much noise). I’m trying not to aimlessly browse the internet as sooner or later I see something that upsets me.
I worked on my Doctor Who book for half an hour or so. Work on that has become slow and painstaking, but necessary, the literary equivalent of painting the miniatures that I posted photos of in my last post. I’ve got quite a bit more research and writing to do on the companions of the early sixties as well as the 2017 season before I can get to the stage of editing and rewriting purely for style. The research will probably take about three months, depending on how fast I can watch episodes, but I might pause for a bit as I don’t want to watch much Doctor Who at the moment (which is what the research basically is). I’m not sure how long the editing and redrafting will take. It will partly depend on whether I’m in regular work when I get up to it (I’m only contracted until the end of January, with a possible extension until March). But I’ve never redrafted on such a significant scale (110,000 words and counting), so I don’t know how long it will take or even how to go about doing it, so there will be trial and error.
I feel pretty tired and on edge, so I think should turn off my computer and read Mythago Wood while I wait for the noise to subside.