I’m still here. I feel less suicidal, but still not good. I’m thinking of phoning the Samaritans helpline, but I don’t know what to say. I’m also somewhat congested from the cold I have, so I’m not sure I could do much talking anyway.
I went for a walk for twenty-five minutes, as I did the last few days and, as with the last few days, it’s pretty much the only effort I’ve been able to make. OK, not quite true, as I’ve davened (prayed) a bit every day and done a bit of Torah study (from five to thirty minutes) every day. And today I cooked plain pasta (badly – I forgot to add salt, then accidentally poured in far too much and nearly let the whole thing boil over. I feel very incompetent in my life) and did some online shopping, which I hate and which went badly. But it is hard to do anything and I worry about starting my new job next week. I wonder if I will have to resign before I even arrive.
After my last two jobs, I worry about doing something so disastrously wrong that I get fired. I think I could cope even with being fired; it’s getting told off in person and realising how much I have disappointed everyone that upsets me.
I’m also not sure what it says about me that, in thirty-five years, only two people have cared for me romantically, of whom one was on the rebound from a boyfriend she still cares about and the other was essentially… I was going to say “using me” but that would be unfair. But she expected me to drop everything to run halfway across London when she needed me, but ignored my texts for help when my depression was bad (I thought I was being paranoid in thinking this, but then she admitted that she was doing this deliberately) and kept telling me she needed me to drop out of her life for a couple of weeks while she decided if she actually cared about me at all (something she did to me two or three times) and who repeatedly pressured me into doing stuff physically that I wasn’t ready for (not ready for both religious, and I now realise, autistic/touch-sensitive reasons). So, I don’t know what you would call that, but I haven’t had an actual “normal” relationship of caring for someone who cares about me and both investing similar amounts of effort and emotional energy in the relationship and the other person not trampling all over my boundaries.
(I don’t want to sound critical of E. because she didn’t make me feel that she was still pining over her ex while we were together, it’s just that as we’re still friends I can see that she still misses her time with him and not her time with me, which makes me wonder about our relationship. Plus it makes me wonder if the reason she ended the relationship, which other people in my life thought was slightly strange, because she didn’t think we would be able to support ourselves financially together, would have been so important to her if she had cared for me as much as she cared for her ex.)
I read two short articles just now, aimed at parents of autistic children (by implication, high functioning autistic children), telling them to have realistic ambitions for their autistic children and that they (the autistic children) may not want to have successful careers (or will define “successful” differently), have relationships, have children and so on. To be honest, I don’t really care about my career and, as the articles stated is normal for autistic people, I find it hard to think abstractly about what I want from the future in that way at all, although perhaps I would care more if I could find the right field. I think I do genuinely want to marry and have children. How much of that is simply a product of childhood emotional starvation and/or peer pressure in a community where family is the norm and single people between the ages of thirty and sixty are few in number and virtually invisible socially is hard to tell. The latter (social pressure), perhaps not so much, the former (childhood emotional starvation), probably quite a bit, and I feel that’s a ‘wrong’ reason to want to have a family, but it doesn’t do anything to resolve my need to give and receive love. Then there is also the religious obligation to marry and have children which isn’t so prominent in my consciousness, but is there. I guess this is all pushing me back towards having pets as a way of giving love and receiving… gratitude for food, at any rate.
I just feel I’ve really let my parents down just by being me, instead of someone else, someone good. Someone not defective. Someone more like my sister. I should say that my parents don’t say this to me. But I still feel that it would be better for everyone if I was more ‘normal’ like my sister.
I’m reading The Complete Peanuts: 1953 to 1954 and two cartoons I saw today resonated (both on page 237). In the first, Schroeder can remember Beethoven’s birthday and death anniversary, but can’t remember his own father’s age. This is me with my knowledge of my special interests (Doctor Who and perhaps also Judaism) versus my knowledge of my family and friends. In the second, Charlie Brown laments, “Sometimes I think I must be a misfit… I just don’t seem to fit in any place.” When Schroeder suggests that he joins “a group of misfits”, Charlie Brown remarks that, “I probably wouldn’t even fit in there” which is me with depression, autism and especially social anxiety and my forays into socialising in support groups and the like.
I downloaded an app thingy to Google Chrome to block websites, to try to keep me off Twitter. I may block other things if it works. To be honest, it may not work, as when I’ve tried this in the past, it fails because I can always turn it off for a bit. I’m blocking it not from a productivity point of view (which I think is what it’s primarily intend for, and for policing children’s internet use), but because it’s too triggering (I hate that word too), not just, or not even, the content, just the sheer level of anger and vitriol being sprayed in all directions at the slightest provocation. I wish it were possible to participate in laid back discussions of Doctor Who and the like on Twitter and see whimsical humorous posts, but even these get politicised half the time and even when they don’t it’s hard to filter effectively. So, total abstinence seems to be the answer. I may delete my Twitter account, as I only set it up to promote my Doctor Who blog which (a) I’ve been doing very badly and (b) I’m not writing much on my Doctor Who blog at the moment anyway.
I came across this poem by the Israeli poet Yehuda Amichai. It’s not very relevant to the post, but it reminds me of me so I wanted to share it.
Poem Without End
Inside the brand-new museum
there’s an old synagogue.
Inside the synagogue
Inside my heart
Inside the museum
inside my heart