(I have mixed feelings sometimes about the purpose of trigger warnings, but it’s pretty clear that this needs one for suicidal ideation.)

“I hate myself.  I hate my life.  I hate disrupted sleep.  I hate waking up late every day.  I hate being exhausted all the time.  I hate not having the motivation to do anything.  I hate never enjoying anything.  I hate not understanding my emotions.  I hate making stupid mistakes, particularly at work.  I hate sniping at everyone all the time, even when I don’t mean to.  I hate catastrophising all the time.  I hate despairing all the time.  I hate not meeting my religious obligations.  I hate being lonely.  I hate being sexually frustrated.  I hate being overweight due to medication and I hate hating being overweight.  I hate not being able to cope with basic social interactions.  I hate avoiding social occasions I might enjoy if I wasn’t depressed and socially anxious.  I hate freaking out when people try to talk to me.  I hate being overwhelmed by background noise.  I hate the inward-looking narcissism of mental illness.  I hate spending too long aimlessly surfing online because I don’t have the energy/motivation to do anything productive and because it’s the only form of interaction I can cope with, but ending up just making myself more lonely and depressed.

I hate hating myself and my life.  I hate thinking about hurting myself and killing myself so much.

Above all, I hate being so bleeding miserable all the time.”

This is basically how I woke up today.  I went to bed really late (2.00am) because I felt too awake and depressed to actually get ready for bed; then I couldn’t get to sleep because I was too awake and depressed.  So I slept through most of the morning again and woke up catastrophising about starting my new job in under a week and wondering if I’m actually going to make it there.

I wish I could see an upside to my life, but I can’t.  I know the trend among autistic people is to see high-functioning autism as a difference with certain positives rather than a disability, but I can’t see any positives to my autistic traits and certainly not to my depression and social anxiety.  I really just want to die, but I’m too scared to attempt anything (and vaguely aware there are people who would be upset, but I have to concentrate hard to feel that through the nihilism and pain).

How long is it possible to go on hating yourself and wanting to die?  I’ve been suicidal, on and off, for sixteen years or more.  Not constantly, but at times.  I don’t know how long it’s been cumulatively.  When I feel really depressed, let alone suicidal, it’s hard to remember that I’ve ever been not depressed, but at the rare times I’ve been emotionally OK, it’s hard to remember I’ve ever been depressed.  So it feels like I’ve been suicidal, or at least fantasising about suicide, for years, but it might not be.

I’ve been told I should phone the NHS crisis team when I feel like this, but unless you’re actually literally about to try to kill yourself, they aren’t interested and tell you to phone your GP, who sends you back to the crisis team…  Typical bureaucracy.  I could phone Samaritans, but I don’t feel I have much to say at the moment.  Maybe eat lunch and see how I feel after that, if I feel up to phoning Samaritans.

I’m not going to do anything, I just feel like **** and wish I wasn’t here.

5 thoughts on “The Two Minutes Hate

  1. Is there a depression or anxiety chat line there that you can just call and have them chat or just listen? Sometimes you just have to share with someone. Did you ever get a firm autism diagnosis? I would think that would help get the ball rolling with regard to some treatment. Can you see a therapist there for even some help with depression even if it’s not specifically for autism?

    If I seem rather quiet, it’s not that I don’t care, but that I’m very depressed and not doing very well at the moment. I tend to shut down and withdraw as it becomes hard to do anything. Seeing a therapist today.

    I do hope you somehow find some relief soon. This is no way to live. Don’t give up. Help IS out there. People like us do get help and have their lives transformed once they find the right help.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry you’re depressed. You don’t have to apologise.

      I could call Samaritans, but I don’t know what to say to them. I feel a bit better now anyway, now I’ve eaten.

      I don’t have a firm autism diagnosis, no. It’s probably going to take another year (at least). Similarly, I’m on the waiting list for CBT but no idea when I’m going to get it. This is all because of the NHS. I was seeing a psychodynamic therapist privately+, but I stopped seeing her to try to get CBT and now I’m stuck in limbo.

      I don’t know, after 16 years (or whatever it is now) and a lot of therapists and therapies and drugs, it’s hard to believe anything could work.

      Like

  2. And yeah, I have mixed feelings about trigger warnings, too, but would come across really harsh to those who think they’re needed if I were somehow to find the words to express my thoughts.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s