I argued with my parents last night. It wasn’t a big argument, but it really upset me, as the topic isn’t going to go away. Actually, strictly speaking I didn’t argue, I just got upset and ran off to my room. I was so upset I spent a while messaging E. about it. Then, when I was about to get ready for bed, I was still upset and spent half an hour writing about it to process it. I was going to post it, but I decided at the end that I shouldn’t because it was talking badly about my parents; also, by that stage I had calmed down somewhat, so I posted it privately for my own records; I also emailed my rabbi mentor about it, partly as there was a halakhic (Jewish law) aspect to the argument, partly as he is a trained counsellor. I miss not having a therapist at the moment and wonder when I will be able to have CBT on the NHS.
The upshot was that I didn’t get to bed until gone 2.00am and even then I was too alert to sleep until something like 3.30, although being rather congested from my cold didn’t help.
The other thing I did last night was write a list of stuff I would need to write that book people were encouraging me to write about Judaism. I’m still not convinced I can actually write it, plus I’m not sure how financially secure I need to be before I devote time to it. I don’t think my parents will be happy if I were to write instead of job hunting (the job I start next week is only a one month contract, with a possible extension for another two), but I if I wait until I’m in a much more stable place, I’ll probably never start. Plus, if I had a job with longer hours, I wouldn’t have the time/energy to start. It’s hard to know what to do. I also don’t like the idea of working on two books at once, and I’m not giving up on the Doctor Who book I’m writing, which is about two-thirds finished, but I’m not sure how to balance them at the moment.
It still feels pretty crazy to even think of writing a Jewish book. And I’m still not sure it won’t get put in cherem (banned). OK, it probably wouldn’t get banned, as I’m not that important, but it might get me into trouble in my community. Although that would assume it at least gets written and published, so I’m probably getting ahead of myself there, as I’m still not sure it will get written. Writing the list of stuff I need was a way of saying to HaShem (God), “I’m willing to try to write this, but I’m going to need a lot of help, and I’m not sure whether you even want me to do this, so please help me or show me what You want me to do.” I don’t know whether anything will come of that. Websites like Hevria.com and Aish.com are full of stories about amazing things that happened to people when they resolved to do what (they thought) HaShem wanted them to do, but things like that don’t seem to happen to me.
There probably is more to say, but it’s a short winter Friday, Shabbat (the Sabbath) starts in under four hours and I have things to do, so see you on the other side of Shabbat.