Not a lot happened today.  I was a wreck of anxiety and depression on the Tube into work and my line manager was late in, so I spent the first twenty minutes or at work so panicking and trying to work out what I was supposed to do, but once she turned up I calmed down and think I did OK, if perhaps a bit slow.  She’s away on Thursday and her line manager, who is supposed to be the person I speak to if I’m stuck, is in meetings half the day, so that will be a test of how well I’m adapting.  And then I’ll be halfway through my contract already!

Other than that there’s not a lot to say, except that I had another couple of autistic moments.  Someone from the shul (synagogue) financial team wanted me to sort out my gift aid form (a way charities can claim tax revenue back from the government, but only from donors who were taxpayers themselves) and I replied speaking of calendar years when I should have been speaking of tax years, of course.  Sometimes I astound myself at my unworldliness (that’s not good, by the way).  More amusingly, my line manager was talking about one class I need to help prepare for having “students from different time periods.”  I knew she meant students studying different time periods, but for a split-second part of my brain was thinking of time travellers coming to use the library.

Some quotes from the last few days, for me to ponder on as much as anything else:

Me (in a comment here about Google-stalking old acquaintances): Weirdly, more than I want to know what people are doing, I want people who came into my life to know just how hard my life has been. Perhaps the ones who hurt me, but mostly the ones who I potentially hurt (I don’t know if I did) or at least the ones who would have witnessed my craziness and freakishness. I wish they could just know that there are reasons for my being a freak (depression, autism), I wasn’t just some crazy weirdo who messed up their lives on a whim. – I’ve felt like this for years particularly regarding people who were around when the depression became unmanageable when I was doing my BA.  I guess it just reflects how messed up I feel I am and how much I feel other people perceive this.  I don’t know if they really do.  I feel anyone who knew me at university in particular must think that I’m some kind of freak.  I suppose it would be good not to think like this and try to move on, but it’s hard.

E.: Having autism doesn’t cancel out your good qualities.  It just means you might express them differently. – I need to internalise this.  I feel that autism and depression make me a freak (that word again), autism more so than depression, because depression is more common (I think) and somewhat more socially acceptable these days.  It’s a struggle to think of myself as different rather than weird.  I just hope I can find someone who sees that too (the quote from E. was in the context of a discussion about whether anyone would ever want to marry me).

Someone from well-being group: You can’t control the first thought, but you can control the second one.  – This actually seemed really empowering to me.  I wish I had heard it when my religious OCD was at it’s worst, but it’s something to remember if it flares up again.  But also it can apply to other unwanted thoughts (anger, lust, self-hatred, etc.).

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4 thoughts on “Brief Update and Quotes

  1. Ha, I don’t know. Possibly not, although most of the autism blogs I was following have gone silent recently.

    The people at the high functioning autism support group I go to seem fairly ‘normal’, albeit with a disproportionately high number of people working in IT. I guess we can mask. To be honest, I suspect that, realistically, most of the people I was at university with, if they recall me at all (which I doubt because I was a wallflower) don’t think of me as particularly freakish. Mildly unusual and shy at most. The one or two who might think otherwise probably put it down to the depression, which they were aware of.

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  2. I’m sorry you are struggling. I understand, and I think that a lot of my worldviews have darkened and become more cynical due to the disappointments I experience in life regarding human behavior. I said once I wish I could just wear a t-shirt that says I have Asperger’s around all day when I’m around friends because I just want people to understand that I’m not a cold hearted, standoffish bitch, lol. I just don’t want to interact with people the same as everyone else in our friend circle. But of course I could never wear a t-shirt like that because my anxiety at being looked at would make my chest explode or something. Anyways, I’ve recently been working on not caring what other people think of my behavior or decisions when it comes to self-care. Right after Christmas, my husband’s and my friends got together several times to hang out but I needed some time to recover from all the Christmas crap and pretty much was zero contact for about two weeks. My husband even had people over to our house and I just worked on my computer the whole time. Did they think that was rude? Do they think I don’t like them anymore? That I’m a weirdo. I quickly decided, I don’t really give a ****. lol If they care enough to read a single article on Autism, that’s awesome. Otherwise, whatever.

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    1. Ha, yes, I could probably fill a t-shirt with my different diagnoses! I try not to be rude and standoffish, but I also need time to myself. So yesterday I forced myself to eat dinner with my parents as they wanted when I was really too depleted to want company, but the trade off was that I had to let myself stay up late watching TV and de-stressing otherwise I wouldn’t have slept and/or would have been in a state today.

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