Not a lot happened today. I was a wreck of anxiety and depression on the Tube into work and my line manager was late in, so I spent the first twenty minutes or at work so panicking and trying to work out what I was supposed to do, but once she turned up I calmed down and think I did OK, if perhaps a bit slow. She’s away on Thursday and her line manager, who is supposed to be the person I speak to if I’m stuck, is in meetings half the day, so that will be a test of how well I’m adapting. And then I’ll be halfway through my contract already!
Other than that there’s not a lot to say, except that I had another couple of autistic moments. Someone from the shul (synagogue) financial team wanted me to sort out my gift aid form (a way charities can claim tax revenue back from the government, but only from donors who were taxpayers themselves) and I replied speaking of calendar years when I should have been speaking of tax years, of course. Sometimes I astound myself at my unworldliness (that’s not good, by the way). More amusingly, my line manager was talking about one class I need to help prepare for having “students from different time periods.” I knew she meant students studying different time periods, but for a split-second part of my brain was thinking of time travellers coming to use the library.
Some quotes from the last few days, for me to ponder on as much as anything else:
Me (in a comment here about Google-stalking old acquaintances): Weirdly, more than I want to know what people are doing, I want people who came into my life to know just how hard my life has been. Perhaps the ones who hurt me, but mostly the ones who I potentially hurt (I don’t know if I did) or at least the ones who would have witnessed my craziness and freakishness. I wish they could just know that there are reasons for my being a freak (depression, autism), I wasn’t just some crazy weirdo who messed up their lives on a whim. – I’ve felt like this for years particularly regarding people who were around when the depression became unmanageable when I was doing my BA. I guess it just reflects how messed up I feel I am and how much I feel other people perceive this. I don’t know if they really do. I feel anyone who knew me at university in particular must think that I’m some kind of freak. I suppose it would be good not to think like this and try to move on, but it’s hard.
E.: Having autism doesn’t cancel out your good qualities. It just means you might express them differently. – I need to internalise this. I feel that autism and depression make me a freak (that word again), autism more so than depression, because depression is more common (I think) and somewhat more socially acceptable these days. It’s a struggle to think of myself as different rather than weird. I just hope I can find someone who sees that too (the quote from E. was in the context of a discussion about whether anyone would ever want to marry me).
Someone from well-being group: You can’t control the first thought, but you can control the second one. – This actually seemed really empowering to me. I wish I had heard it when my religious OCD was at it’s worst, but it’s something to remember if it flares up again. But also it can apply to other unwanted thoughts (anger, lust, self-hatred, etc.).