I just feel depressed today. Unfocused and exhausted. Lonely. Nervous about not knowing if I’m out for dinner tonight, extra nervous if I am going and extra extra nervous if I somehow have to intuit for myself if I’m invited (it’s not polite to say, “Have you invited me for dinner today?”). Dad got annoyed with me before because I didn’t hear the doorbell when he was in the toilet. I didn’t like to say I was in bed with the covers virtually over my head, being depressed.
I worry that I’ll never really get my life where I want it to be. I think the prognosis so far isn’t good, considering how lots of other people with autism end up. I worry how I will end up if I can never get a full-time job and get married. Who is going to support me when my parents are gone? Am I ever going to live the frum (religious) life I want? How much do I even want that any more, when I seem to feel like I just can’t live in that world?
I got a WhatsApp message from the finance person from shul (synagogue) asking if I’m coming to the meeting about finding a new rabbi on Sunday. I wonder if it was that rather than the Gift Aid form that he wanted to talk to me about the other day? He said there aren’t many single people in the shul and they want to be sure they’re catering for us, which is nice on one level, but also makes me feel like a freak again. I’m not sure how my single-ness would contribute to my choice of new rabbi.
I will try to get to the meeting, although I don’t have anything to say and if I’m depressed, I’m not going to force myself to go.
I feel that, as with most things, I need to pay the price of being part of a religious community, in terms of boring meetings and expensive fees, without having much of the benefit of spiritual growth and satisfaction, friendship, acceptance and so on. I feel disconnected from the community, really. Lately even at shiur, which I used to enjoy, I sometimes feel disconnected religiously, but also socially, in terms of personality. I suppose I shouldn’t really have expected to connect anywhere properly.
I found myself wondering how much I really want to be part of a community. Despite the fact that most frum people only socialise in the frum community, I seem to have almost as little in common with frum Jews as I have with non-frum Jews and non-Jews. I can’t really connect with anyone. Years ago, a psychiatrist (the one who thought I was autistic) told me that “You’ll never understand people and you should stop trying.” I wonder if she was right and if it’s not possible to connect with people without understanding them.