(Apologies for the contrived title, riffing on yesterday’s post’s title to show some sort of link or continuation. It’s not even strictly accurate, as it’s questionable whether the events here really count as “appointments”, certainly not in the plural. I’ve never been good at titles since my school days…)
I was hoping to go to my depression group tonight, but I didn’t go, not because of the snow (I was ready to risk an arduous journey home), but because I had a migraine this afternoon. It started at work and I had to dash out of a meeting with my line manager because I thought I was going to throw up (luckily I didn’t, not least because the nearest toilet was on another floor). The headache and nausea had more or less gone by the time I got home, but I still felt light-headed and shaky on my legs, so I decided that staying in was the best option even without snow. For that reason I skipped the shiur (religious class) I would normally go to on Thursday evenings too. It’s a shame I’m missing depression group, though, as I had quite a lot to talk about in terms of my autism screening and new job and was looking forward to venting some of my conflicted feelings about both of those things as well as telling my friends there that there has at least been some progress. Hopefully I can go next month.
On the plus side, the outcome of the meeting at work was that my line manager is happy what I’m doing and is still sympathetic about the depression and autism. I’m still not really looking too hard for new work, even though this job currently due to end in March, because I would rather stay here as long as possible and use the free days for mental health courses at The Network and working on my books. I’m still torn between which book to work on primarily. The Doctor Who book is further along (I’ve already largely done a second draft), but it will take time while I do more research before I can move to a third draft. I’m still hoping to finish the whole thing by the autumn. In the meantime, I don’t know whether to work on the ‘understanding Judaism for non-Jews’ book or the ‘Jewish mental health and autism’ book based on my blog. The latter will probably win out, because it’s more important and because it’s easier at the moment as the first task is to look over two years worth of old blog posts for reusable material. Possible first line: “My life has never been of much interest to me, but my inner life, my auto-analysis, has been of overwhelming interest to me since adolescence.”
Last night, after saying here that I wasn’t going to join the values-based dating service, I went and signed up for it. I’ll have to meet with a matchmaker to discuss my values and those that I’m looking for in a wife, so I won’t be set up with any dates yet. I don’t know how long that takes to happen and they do say that they won’t match you unless they find someone who seems to be a good match, values-wise, so nothing may come of it at all. And of course finding someone with a values match doesn’t guarantee we have anything else in common, or that we have good chemistry, or that she can cope with my depression-autism-social-anxiety-low-income nexus. But I guess it can’t hurt. (Actually, it can hurt, but I’m risking it anyway.)
I was going to write about some political stuff that upset me today, but I got scared. I was going to write why I got scared, but I got too scared to write that too. Suffice to say that I don’t live in one of the echo chambers people say everyone is in these days, and I don’t necessarily believe what other people assume people like me believe. I don’t think that makes me a bad person, but I know others will disagree, so I’m keeping quiet. This saddens me.
Despite all this, I’m coping with today’s disappointments better than yesterday’s and I’m feeling fairly positive overall, hence this shorter than usual post.