I went to bed late last night after my migraine and then slept for something like ten and a half hours with weird dreams.  I woke up feeling exhausted, drained and ‘mentally hungover’ without quite knowing why.  Maybe it was just from the week.  I’ve felt the same way all day so far.

A job advert has turned up in my inbox that I ought to go for, but I’m reluctant to do so.  Even though my job is due to expire at the end of March, I’m hoping that further funding will appear so I can keep working part-time rather than looking for new work in a new environment that might be full-time (the advertised job is full-time).  I don’t think I can cope with a full-time job, and I don’t think I can handle this particular advertised job.

The sad truth is that the number of jobs that I feel I can actually do, that I can actually cope with in terms of my depression, social anxiety and autism symptoms, is rather small.  I hope this will not always be the case, but at this stage I simply don’t know.  I think I will always have mental health issues, on some level, and if I am autistic, then I will always have that, but I don’t know if I will become better at coping.

In some ways I am better at dealing with things than I was when I left university after my BA nearly fourteen years ago.  Back then I didn’t think I would ever have a job, a relationship or be able to live alone and I thought I was doomed to lose all my friends (I lost some, but on balance I’ve made more new friends).  But I’m still far from fully functional and in some ways I’ve gone backwards: I’ve had relationships and lost them (not entirely my fault, admittedly), I’ve lived alone but moved back in with my parents and had jobs, but my current job is fewer hours than previous ones.  I avoid certain work environments (noise, pressure), which in some ways is a coping strategy, but limits my options.  I’m certainly unlikely to ever have a highly-paid job if I avoid pressured working environments, which will make it difficult to get married and support a family (which already has made it difficult I should say).  After all, E. liked me more than pretty much anyone I’ve ever met who isn’t an immediate blood relation, but even she couldn’t cope with this.  I would be willing to work part-time and be a house-husband, but I’m doubtful many women in the frum (religious Orthodox Jewish) world would go with that, and I worry that I would still get overwhelmed working and housekeeping.

Actually, low income limits my dating options in other ways, inasmuch as some Jews from small communities (basically anywhere other than Israel or the USA) boost their dating options by being open to dating people from another country, but it’s doubtful that I earn enough to be able to emigrate or sponsor anyone else to come here (which was another problem E. and I had), particularly with freedom of movement for Britain and the EU ending soon.

Regarding dating, I was procrastinating by hitting the ‘random’ button on XKCD and this cartoon came up.  I would much rather go on a date with the woman who collects Asian dolls than the one who gets drunk and dances on tables.  Once again, I find myself hoping to meet someone unusual who might find my own distinctiveness and openness to her traits balances my defects (in terms of the depression-social-anxiety-autism-low-income nexus), but then I realise that I live in a conformist sub-culture where it is hard to meet such people.  Even if they exist, they hide it, the way I hide my traits and interests.

I just feel that I want to be held tight by someone who loves me right now, but there’s zero chance of that happening.

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