My mental health group was a little better today. I didn’t really learn anything I didn’t already know, but it did make me decide to try to be better at catching my negative thinking, although I’m not quite sure how I’m supposed to do that in practical terms. I think I just have a mismatched personality to get on with most of these people, which is unfortunate, but there isn’t much I can do about it.
One person said something she said she feels inferior to people she was at university with who are all now running the country, which made me wonder if she was at Oxford like me, as that’s something I feel a lot. Usually I would have let that go, but I asked her afterwards and it turned out she went to Cambridge, so I was close. I’m glad I’m not the only Oxbridge person who feels like a failure, though.
Someone at the group said I’m intelligent. I get weirded out when people say that to me. I’ve hardly said anything on this course, having been too socially anxious and overwhelmed by the noise; how can people think I’m clever? Maybe I just give off ‘vibes.’ More prosaically, he probably overheard me tell the other person that I went to Oxford. He did say that if you’re high functioning and mentally ill, you don’t do fewer “stupid” things, you just realise that you’re behaving in a stupid way, but don’t still know how to change it. The course was supposed to help with that, but I’m not sure that it has…
Today’s bad news: my psychiatrist appointment at the end of the month has been moved to 6 June, despite the fact that I’ve already moved my work days around so that I could keep the appointment. I think it’s appalling the way the NHS treats patients like cattle. Yes, they’re short of money. But the charity sector is even more short of money, and they don’t treat people like this. Indeed, the private sector doesn’t have infinite funds and they also don’t treat people like this, despite the supposed “inhumanity” of treating people for “profit.” It doesn’t cost anything to treat patients like human beings. The NHS has messed me around like this so many times over the last seventeen years, costing me time, energy (which is precious to me) and, on occasion, money. But they have a virtual monopoly over healthcare in this country so they’re isn’t much anyone can do about it unless you happen to be super-rich and able to be seen privately (to be honest, when I was in psychodynamic psychotherapy my parents were paying for me to be seen privately, but we were only able to do this because we were fortunate to find someone who charged means-adjusted fees, which isn’t always possible). A lot of people don’t have health insurance because, in theory, you aren’t supposed to need it (or you pay it in your tax, depending how you want to look at it). And monopolies, whether in the private sector or the public sector, don’t have to care about bad customer service, because where else can you go?
Anyway, I calmed down and phoned to ask why my appointment had been changed. The psychiatrist is ill and they were assuming she won’t be back for months. They offered me an appointment with a different psychiatrist a week after the cancelled appointment. As I didn’t feel the previous one really listened to me, I was not upset about this, but the appointment they offered was on a day when I work, right in the middle of the day so I would have to take the whole day off and this was after having already changed one work day because of the cancelled appointment.
I decided to take the appointment for now and see what my line manager says next work; if the worst comes to the worst, I’ll cancel the new appointment and go in June. But it does reinforce my current feelings of fatalism over recovery and work. I have fallen back into pessimism after feeling better for a few days.
I have also booked for the networking class that is on the same day as the Jewish Book Week talk I’m going to. I suppose this is work-centric, but I’m terrified that I simply won’t be able to network even in practice settings (role-play). I hope I can relax enough in the afternoon to get to work the next day. I would really like to see a careers advisor who understands about autism and mental illness, but I’m not sure how to find one. I was told at the class today that I could raise work issues with my key worker, which I may try to do. To be honest, I’m only vaguely aware of what my key worker’s job description is and what things I can talk to her about, but I think she’s a social worker who is supposed to direct me to courses like the class and other mental health and social services in the area, so perhaps that will help. Reading this back, there are some positives in it, but I’m still in one of those depressive moods where everything just feels awful. I’ve given up on ‘recovering’ (whatever that means), but I want to achieve some degree of day-to-day functionality (work, family etc.). I just don’t know how.