Today seems to have been a day for running away from people.
I had the penultimate meeting of my mental health group. Everyone seems to get on well and they are planning on creating a What’sApp group to stay in touch. I feel that I have struggled to connect with people and I struggle to involve myself in such a loud group. I also feel that the content of the group has been too familiar to me or the solutions proposed have been too simplistic. For instance, today we spoke about being assertive, rather than aggressive, passive or passive aggressive. I feel that I have tried some of the tactics in one relationship that I sometimes struggle with, without success. They said that sometimes one needs outside intervention in a relationship, but that isn’t realistic for me. That only leaves me with modifying my expectations from the relationship or just moving away from it, but neither of those are really feasible either. It is hard to know what to do sometimes. I thought of trying harder at changing my expectations or using the suggested tactics, but it’s hard to do something when you are so sure it won’t work. Still, a few people in the group spoke about being stuck in abusive relationships, now or in the past, so I’m better off in that regard.
I wasn’t going to join the What’sApp group, but on the way home I wondered if maybe I should have done so. I don’t have to actually meet up with them, and maybe it would be a useful online support network that I could use via text, which is a much better medium for me to communicate in. Of course, most What’sApp groups in my experience turn rapidly into pointless time-wasting…
Continuing the ‘running away’ theme, there is an oneg (Shabbat/Sabbath party thing) run by my shul (synagogue) at someone’s house tonight. Usually I would force myself to go, at least for an hour, but I really can’t face it this time. I sit there in silence, eat some junk food, refuse whisky, don’t always find the ‘inspiring’ stories and divrei Torah (homilies) inspiring, join in with the singing, but only if I know the tunes, and then go home after an hour feeling drained and excluded. In the past I have told myself that if I don’t go to these things, I will never make friends and fit in, but after nearly three years, I have not got many friends at my shul (and the ones I do have I have made in other places e.g. the weekly shiur (class)) and I don’t feel accepted and am beginning to think I never will.
The reason the people from my group want to continue to be in contact is that many of them say this is the first place that they really fit in with people who understand them, but I’m too weird, or at least too complicated, to be understood fully by most people. That is something I am just going to have to learn to deal with, compartmentalising my life (Jewish bits, mental health/autism bits, geeky bits). It does make me worry about getting married, though, as I feel one should not do that with one’s spouse. (One would think, with so many people at my support groups, reporting being in abusive relationships that I would have an advantage in not being an abusive person, but maybe there are enough non-abusive-but-still-normal people out there.)
Then on Sunday I have volunteering and then my sister and brother-in-law are coming in the evening. I’m worried I’m going to be a wreck. Volunteering exhausts me. By the time I get home I won’t have much time to recover before they come, nor will I have time after dinner to recover from that before I have to go to bed as this week I’m working on Monday and I really need a minimum of eight hours sleep to function, something my family don’t always appreciate. I suppose I feel like running away from that, but I can’t.